WHO Links Cell Phones to Global Warming, Indigestion

Following the World Health Organization’s findings last week indicating that cell phone radiation is “possibly carcinogenic,” the UN agency has uncovered even more evidence of nefarious effects of mobile phone usage.
The health agency’s subsequent report outlines a direct link between cell phone radiation waves and a spike in climate change, as well as the general surge in post-supper indigestion among middle-class American families.
“Through exhaustive study and consultation, we believe that the photons of the cellular-phonic pan-ions have a festibular effect on the earth’s atmosphere and ozone layer, and that the bio-chemical causes of heartburn can be traced straight back to frequent use of the new line of iPhones,” said WHO Director-General Margaret Chan Fung Fu-chun with her standard dogged confidence. “I’m sure there is probably just about as much evidence for this as there is for that brain tumor-y thing.”
These UN reports, however, have not stopped people from jumping up to defend the telephonic mode of convenience.
“It’s true cell phones have gotten a real bad rap lately,” wrote the president of the Cell Phone Apologist Association in a statement to the Tattler. “But, hey, what other device will allow you to text whilst operating a Hummer down the freeway?”
Regardless, this matter remains a hugely controversial one within the international scientific community. And, on a related note, the Department of State has recently found a link between E. coli outbreaks in Germany and Saddam Hussein.