Given the amount of technology that's available to the average six year old it's not surprising the United States government can listen in on anyone in the world any time they want. Couple guys at NSA, "Hey Joe, what do you suppose Jennifer Aniston's up to? "Don't know Fred, let's check it out."

Technology is like having a gun, just because you have one doesn't mean you should get to go around shooting people.

Merkel first became suspicious that someone might be listening when husband Joachim received an anonymous phone call on his way home from work. It was a hang up call indicating that he'd forgotten to pick up the dry cleaning and adding a few items to the grocery list. Unnamed sources inside NSA suggested, "Well, we try to be helpful."

The German Chancellor placed a collect phone call to the Whitehouse.

Aides say there was a frank and candid exchange of views.

A press conference with First Lady Michelle Obama left reporters with the distinct impression that someone would be sleeping on the couch for a week.

The potential of billions of dollars that could be made on a cure for baldness is in stark contrast with the zeros of dollars that are being made on the cure for obesity…NOT EATING. The obesity cure is a pill that is not being taken. I'm sure if a baldness cure pill had to be accompanied by a drastic reduction of ones calorie intake to be effective, there'd be just as many bald people running around as ever.

Statistics tell us that 69.2% percent of Americans are overweight and 35.9% of them are obese, and yet the "stop eating" cure has never caught on.

What Americans do instead is buy countless books on dieting. If that doesn't work, some of the truly dedicated will also read the books. This approach is rarely tied to the missing of a meal or an increase in physical activity. Success has been limited.

For quite some time now my advice to young people just finishing high school or college, who want to get ahead, has been to either write a weight loss book or take up tattoo removal.

I honestly don't think you have to know anything to write a diet book. As previously pointed out, most people think that just buying the book is enough, and those who actually read it feel that just reading it is enough. No one's actually going to try to live on nothing but rubber bands and Kleenex tissues for three months like you suggest.

For the non-literary types tattoo removal can be a viable alternative for success. It can require some medical training…unless you can get your patient in the same condition he was in when he got the tattoo. In that case that cheese grater in the kitchen drawer will do nicely.

Oh, and good luck with that shiny head of yours.

On Sept. 24, Jamie Dimon, CEO of JP Morgan Chase, called Attorney General Eric Holder… "Yo Eric, I hear you're upset about our guys here selling worthless mortgage investments." Apparently Dimon got that crazy idea because the Justice Department was hours away from announcing charges against his weasel bank. "We gotta talk." Thus began weeks of shuck and jive, something big money Wall St. types do better than two bit carneys selling cure-all elixirs.

It would seem that Holder is good at that sort of thing himself, as Dimon ended up agreeing to a 13 billion dollar settlement. The fact that they agreed to a settlement that large makes you wonder just how much they really screwed people.

13 billion dollars represents half of Morgan Chase's profits last year. If you'd like to take a moment to cry this out and gather your composure, you can stop reading for a bit.

Dimon, who still enjoys the confidence of the board of directors at Morgan Chase, is optimistic, "China is thinking about buying the District of Colombia and a couple New England states. If that goes through we'll hold the paper."

In a press release, those elected officials who were responsible for all the totally unnecessary misery have announced that they will reimburse victims of the shutdown out of their own pockets.

Wait, wait, I've just received a bulletin. It seems that that there was a severe electrical disturbance, that combined with unusual sunspots, had us receiving a press release from the planet Fairness. We're being told to ignore that one and refer to a new release out of Washington, on planet Earth. This one says, "tough titties." The missive goes on, "Get used to it chumps, we ain't going anywhere."

It seems that the new agreement only funds the government until January 15 and the U.S. will once again face default on February 7. In other words, the government will be open for 90 days before something bad hits the fan again.

A spokesperson for House Morons suggested, "We're stockpiling stuff to throw into the fan and issuing brand new shovels to all the gang."

Press Secretary Jay Carney advises that, "Everybody should do their best to enjoy the holidays, as China has implied that it might just pick up the U.S. cheap at a clearance sale after the first of the year."

Americans are baffled as to why a tiny, little, girl can stand up to vicious, Neanderthal, morons in Pakistan, when Speaker of the House John Boehner can't stand up to vicious, Neanderthal, morons in his own party. Reached for comment Speaker Boehner decried, "But they're mean, and we can't kick the gerrymandering so and sos out."

Recent polls show that Congress is still slightly more popular than the Taliban with most Americans, but analysts warn that, "The numbers are fluid and the Taliban is creeping up. We think that people appreciate that at least the Taliban is honest about wanting to destroy America. If the House of Representatives would just come clean, they might get a little boost."

In the hope of reaching a bi-partisan agreement on anything at all, Speaker Boehner has suggested that we give young Malala American citizenship and keep her here. "We could send Miley Cyrus over there. In the unlikely event that they find that resistible, I'd even be willing to throw in Paris Hilton to sweeten the deal. You know… their best for our best kind of thing."

A spokesman for Ms. Yousafzai explained that she has never heard of Cyrus or Hilton but that she stood firmly with the American people regarding their opinion of congress vis a vis the Taliban.

A Taliban spokesman explained, "At least no one has ever mentioned either Hilton or Cyrus, and education, in the same breath."