"Even I've been surprised at the results," Bernanke said before members of the press and pediatric psychiatrists, "We figured the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act would stimulate the economy, but we could not have predicted this. No one wants Wall St. to turn into a nine year old that's been pounding Jolt colas all morning, but that's what we've got. We need to move forward on two feet, rather than lying down and pretending to run in circles, like Merrill Lynch is doing right now - MERRILL! I'M TRYING TO TALK HERE!"

In rebuttal, the President of AIG, had this to say: "We are incredibly impressed at the results the Obama plan has had on the econo - hey, what do you have there? Is that like a tape recorder? OMG people still use those! Whoa! It's even got a real tape inside? Hey, have you seen the new iPhone, its got this app that records things, so like you wouldn't even need to buy one of those, you'd just have it on your phone, isn't that cool? Phones are crazy, we can talk to like anyone instantly no matter where you are - I don't talk too much though I'm more of a texter, it takes a long time on the iPhone though, you need really small fingers, but mine are big - hey are my fingers too big? Can you get a finger reduction? Oh, speaking of reductions..." (full statement on pages 56 - 94).

In response, President Obama has pushed to pass the American De-stimulation of the Economy and Resumption of Ordinary Lending act in order to return the economy to pre-crisis stabilized levels. "The President believes ADDERALL could be the only way to calm the banks down, and keep things quieter on Main St. and Wall St." Obama's press secretary said, "because Mr. Obama is starting to get a headache."

Under the court order, Halley's is required to "keep its distance" from Earth. "Geez, I'm out here a couple of billion miles away from the planet I love," said the heartbroken comet. "It's been more than 20 years since I last snuggled up to Earth and I've got another 50 years to go until I can sneak back again.

"I miss that big lug of a planet. I really, really do."