China, still in the doghouse with the Obama administration, is referring to the situation as "outrageous and unacceptable." Snowden's former colleagues in the intelligence community are currently trying to figure out exactly what that means.

In a press conference, Whitehouse spokesman Jay Carney was unable to explain why certain Latin American countries are offering Snowden refuge. "Sure, we've been trying to undermine and overthrow their governments for years, but I don't understand why they'd want to be mean to us…they seem bitter," was all he could offer.

Interviewed at an undisclosed location, former Interim President Snowden suggested that wherever he ended up, it wouldn't be for long. Citing the potential political comebacks of disgraced former N.Y. Governor and hooker patron, Elliot Spitzer and equally disgraced former Representative and dirty tweeter, Anthony Weiner, Snowden reflected, "If I can only spin this situation into being a sex thing, I'm really just a couple years away from running for office in New York."

Be that as it may, bicycling is huge and enthusiasts include the people who make the laws in this country. So naturally new laws are constantly being written that make the lives of cyclists easier. A lot of the new laws are just institutionalizing what cyclists have been doing all along… like rolling/flying through stop signs.

So now that I drive "Bicycle," what were once firm rules of the road, I now consider vague suggestions that I can ignore at my whim.

I have friends who are going to name their cars Bicycle. Red Bicycle, Blue Bicycle, Silver Bicycle…you get it.

It'll be great. We'll be able to drive around two, three, and four abreast. No worries about that semi coming at us. The rules of physics don't apply when you're driving Blue Bicycle!

When I was a child, if I rode my bicycle with as little regard to common sense as grownups do today, mom would have put a massive hurt on me.

Don't get me wrong… I think bicycles are a magnificent invention, right up there with the internal combustion engine. The difference being that with the automobile we are given a vehicle that speeds up our lives to an intolerable pace, pollutes the environment, kills thousands every year and turns the operators into asshats. Whereas the bicycle makes us part of the environment, provides us with healthy exercise, lets us appreciate our surroundings and turns the operators into asshats.

I'm going for a drive in Bicycle now. Maybe down the middle of the road, maybe on your side. And if you're out for a stroll, don't think that crosswalk is going to slow us down.

Regarding his assignment Professor Bing stated, "This is a tough one… the particles in string theory aren't tiny little things you look at through a microscope, we work with numbers. If you recall the Republican Presidential Primary Debates, when Governor Perry had just three points to make, he could only remember two of them. So if you're talking about numbers, and the inside of Rick Perry's head, well…you don't really have much to work with."

Governor Perry has given liberals fits from the get-go; they consider him the poster boy for what they feel is Neanderthal thinking in that part of the country. Now many comedians and pundits are suggesting that we simply give Texas back to Mexico. Left- wing pinkos imply that such a measure might also help with illegal immigration issues.

Perry supporters, rallying to his defense, point out that the Governor has never gotten the credit he deserves for some inspired moments of lateral thinking.

The state of Texas has long been notorious for banning certain books in public schools, with a new list being created every year. This is something that hasn't been practiced in other states since the nineteenth century.

Perry has suggested that it would save a lot of paperwork if they simply banned reading.

That legislation is in committee.

World leaders seem to be unanimous in their endorsement of Egypt's choice. Russia's Vladimir Putin reflected, "We all had what you would call an "anywhere but here" attitude regarding Mr. Snowden. Personally I was getting a little fed up with his room service charges at the hotel in the Moscow airport…where he never was."

While the Muslim Brotherhood is extremely upset about the ouster of President Morsi, a spokesman indicated that the "jury was still out" on the naming of Snowden. "Who knows, he seems to be ticking off all the right people" was the word going around all the best jihadist cells.

General al-Sisi was optimistic regarding the future of Egypt as a democracy. "Sure we had to stage a coup to get rid of the democratically elected president, but we're not actually using the C – word, we've just de-elected him. The problem is, with all the two -bit despots that the United States has installed over the years, we as a people, clearly aren't very good at voting. There's a learning curve so from now on we'll continue to de-elect people until we get it right."

When asked his thoughts on the subject, newly named President Snowden suggested that he might consider joining the Muslim Brotherhood, "I bet they have lots of secrets!"

You know what people do at weddings? They get totally loaded. Do you know what guys do at weddings? They get even more loaded. Do you know what straight guys do at weddings? They get even more loaded. Can you even wrap your mind around the level of inebriation that could be achieved at a wedding in which the principles are two straight guys?

And what about the bachelor party? The possibilities are breathtaking… I want one.

With the Supreme Court decision being so young, no one knows what sort of legal and tax ramifications it may have. Can straight roommates Bill and Bob get married and file a joint return, somehow saving a few bucks? Can straight Mary and straight Alice get hitched and someone gets on someone's insurance plan at work?

In law school I'm going to specialize in pre-nups for same sex, straight couples?

This has potential. The possibilities for god-awful legal and financial entanglements are breathtaking. I want in!

Actually, I have a matchbook here and on the back it says I can send away for a divinity degree. With a divinity degree I can perform marriages… got em coming and going!

Shoe just told me that a divinity degree would give me almost as much credibility as Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. I'm thrilled…being lumped in with a fine professional.

Hey! Who wants to go propose to a member of the Westboro Baptist Church?

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.