Russian President Vladimir Putin is equally adamant in claiming that no one there had taken even the tiniest peek at Snowden's laptops. "Heck guys, he never even got out of the airport …cross my heart!" The official US response to Putin's claim is that of skepticism but privately most diplomats feel he's lying through his teeth. "Jesus, the guy hates our guts, what do you think he did?" suggested one unnamed source.

That same source, along with several other US intelligence agencies, when asked to discuss the Snowden leaks, all denied knowing anything and also denied that they engaged in spying. Observers had no problem believing that they didn't know anything but were dubious about the spying thing….since that's what they get paid billions of taxpayer dollars to do.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai, four time consecutive winner of the "Phony Ally Most Likely To Steal Our Money And Then Poke Us In The Eye" award, is said to be negotiating with Snowden to name him prom king of the annual Buzkashi Tournament.

Buzkashi is the national sport in Afghanistan. It resembles polo in that it's played on horseback, the largest difference between buzkashi and polo being that the object of the Afghan competition is to propel a headless goat carcass towards the opponent's end of the field.

President Obama is said to be considering allowing Snowden to become Prom King if he can also play the goat.

Creve Coeur is home to the world headquarters of the Monsanto Corporation. Monsanto has purchased the Yankees for an undisclosed sum. There is talk that the Yankees' value has been downgraded since the latest performance enhancing drug scandal broke. Several star players across the league have been named, including a Yankee or two.

In a press release, Monsanto CEO, Gerald Vermine, explained. "As a multinational corporation, we felt that it was time for transparency. Since we produce the chemicals that turn your food into chemicals, we feel compelled to defend and promote athletes who are full of chemicals because…chemicals are good!"

The Yankees will no longer be the Yankees. Henceforth the team will be called the Creve Coeur GMOs. Vermine went on, "Chemicals are how we make our living and we owe it to our stockholders to promote the use of chemicals however we can."

"We feel that if all athletes everywhere used performance enhancing drugs, the playing field would be perfectly level and there'd be no problem… you know, like in cycling."

Lance Armstrong has been named manager of the GMOs and the mascot will be a dead honeybee.

While some object to the team's name referencing communism, no longer the political system in the "new" Russia, others are charmed by its quality of nostalgia in much the same way that the Washington Redskins are not deemed to be a racist, ethnically demeaning stereotype.

Putin is being talked about for the position of head coach.

The pectoral flaunting world leader is constantly affirming his jock credentials by staging pillow fights to the death, every one of which he has won decisively. He is said to be considering naming himself as quarterback, tailback and wide receiver.

Pushback among the existing NFL teams is considerable.

Denver Broncos Head Coach John Fox suggests that a team so many time zones away will give new meaning to the notion of home field advantage, while others feel that Russia's dark reputation will bring an intimidating and unpleasant wrinkle to the NFL draft.

The only coach who seemed to shrug off the addition of the Commie-Bears was New England's Bill Belichick who commented, "If there's a problem, we'll just shut down Boston and find them."

Bowzinski mused, "It's a wonderful savings of time and resources. We no longer have to train James Bond types of characters in fighting and shooting skills, and we no longer have to invest millions of rubles in high tech gadgets. Nowadays anyone who can work a smart phone can be a superspy."

In the States concerned parents are imploring their children to drop out of school and make something of themselves. "We only want what's best for them" is being heard at parent teacher conferences from coast to coast as emotional goodbyes are being made to beloved educators.

On a darker note, bankers across the nation are reporting that money is being sucked out of college funds like oxygen through a pinhole in a space capsule. Banker Milton Scumm explains, "parents are storming the bank in a wild state of euphoria and demanding the money they've set aside for their childrens' education. We haven't seen a run like this since Wall St. ruined the world."

"And you'd be surprised how often these parents head directly to the Porsche dealer across the street!"

Senate Republicans claim Mrs. Clinton wouldn't hesitate for one second to bust into a men's room if that was what it took to get the job done. Still other sources insist that sort of thing is exactly what it takes to make a good Commander in Chief.

While the Obama administration tries to shrug off this latest potential scandal as "just another prostitute-government employee thing," staffers are struggling to find someone to leak some new classified information as a distraction, before the "prostitute-government employee thing" gains traction.

It's been suggested that publishing our nuclear launch codes in the National Inquirer might do the trick. Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has responded, "well…if anyone knows them, I'll just step out of the room for a minute."

While specifics were not immediately available, the Tattler has intercepted a great deal of email chatter going on between U.S. Ambassadors' wives involving top-notch divorce lawyers.

The State Department cover-up story led many Tuesday morning newscasts and had disappeared by Wednesday.