Industry observers point to recent mishaps such as the sinking of carnival cruise ship Costa Concordia and the engine room fire on Triumph that caused the vessel to lose power and drift helplessly for days, as possible deterrents. A travel agent, who asked not to be identified, suggested that vacationers feel that Carnival ships are, themselves, underwater cities waiting to happen. "People are opting for Vegas, you can't sink a city in the middle of the desert."

The European Institute for Underwater Archeology discovered the city four miles off the coast of Egypt in about 30 feet of water. Underwater archeologist Randy Bowlton said that having been protected by sand for millennia has left the site in remarkably good condition. "All the hotels and guest houses have plenty of vacancies, in fact, they've been vacant for thousands of years…come on down!"

Scientists can only speculate as to why the city sunk. Some feel that liquefaction of the soil under the buildings (building on mud?) may have been the cause. Others think a massive flood or earthquake might be to blame. "Or some other thing that causes cities to be covered with water."

The Heracleion Chamber of Commerce says, "What's done is done. The casinos are open and the duty free shops have tons of cool underwater stuff ready to go, but we've still got some work to do on the public transportation."

Worshipping the "Prince of Darkness" isn't the risky avocation it once was, Crowley explained, "The Spanish Inquisition was a rough patch… we all have painful memories of that one, same with the Salem witch trials. But things are really looking up… we now have the Tea Party, the NRA going for us, and the best minions Beelzebub has had in centuries, the Koch brothers. Those boys have been doing a lot of heavy lifting for the "big guy" and the rank and file are deeply grateful."

Apparently the Koch's devotion to fossil fuels and deregulation are, if not part of Lucifer's master plan, definitely right up His alley.

To the objective observer it seems unfair that so much of the load should be heaped on one set of siblings but now another job has fallen to the Koch boys. Crowley expanded, "Rupert Murdoch and Fox News have been spearheading Hell's - Entertainment Division for quite a while, but now we see a new opportunity. The Tribune Company (owners of The Chicago Tribune, the L.A. Times and other newspapers) has gone toes-up and the Boss has instructed his best disciples to see if they can grab it and start executing better control over the news."

Crowley enthused, "This is a little out of their area of expertise, but many Satanists are still smarting from that 400 million dollars the Koch boys spent trying to buy the Presidential election… only to come up goose eggs. People want to see these guys get the ball, they want to see what they can do with it."

While the people of the Czech Republic are said to be "sheltering in place," your average Chechen has simply abandoned all hope.

Republican lawmakers are using the Boston tragedy to highlight the administration's soft, lefty, stance on terrorism. House Speaker John Boehner declared that, "If Czechoslovakia happens to sound like Chechnya to the American ear, it's their own fault! You're damn right they should be sheltering in place, we need to rain some shock and awe down on those suckers!"

Interviewed by phone, former candidate Sarah Palin was completely simpatico with former veep Cheney. "I admit I can't see Czechoslovakia or Chechnya from my porch, but I'm almost sure I can see Austria or Australia… I'm not sure which, what's the dif? Either way I'm sure that all of them terrorist bastards could use a few, good old-fashioned American bombs dropped in their laps.
Reached at his Texas ranch, former president Bush declined to comment. "For eight years Dick begged me to keep my piehole shut and stay outta sight. Now people are just beginning to like me so I'm thinking I'm going to keep my piehole shut and stay outta sight. Besides, these here sheep need neuterin."

No trace of the poison ricin and no ingredients for making the substance were found at Curtis’ home or in his car. Forensic studies of the envelopes themselves produced no fingerprints or DNA of the subject. However, Chief Investigator Leonard Charles was confidant that they had their man. “The letters were signed with the subject’s initials “P. C.”… hell, no one would ever sigh someone else’s initials to a poison filled letter sent to the president!”

Nonetheless, a second suspect is being sought.

Members of congress are said to be extremely edgy. Mitch McConnell quaked, “Sure,
we think it’s fine that the country is armed to the teeth, but that poison stuff is dangerous. Someone could get hurt, we gotta find the right guy.”

In a related story, TV news FOX 4 out of Dallas - Fort Worth reported that actress Zooey Deschanel was one of the Boston Marathon bombers. Ms. Deschanel has denied the report. Chief investigator Charles has admitted that events of the past week seem to bear her out but… “She has yet to deny being an Elvis impersonator; and we’re currently researching what her initials are, needless to say, we’re keeping a very close eye on this young lady.”

In a press conference at its Provincetown, Massachusetts world headquarters, “Big Pistol Lovers Association” CEO, Lain LaDerriere, announced that, “The only one who can stop a bad guy with poison is a good guy with poison!”

Jeff Zucker, head of CNN Worldwide, has announced that Mr. Walton couldn't be replaced by a single person. " The job is too big for any one man. So we've talked the hillbilly, mutant, cannibal family from "The Hills Have Eyes" into coming on board. They were close to inking a deal with Fox and we grabbed them just in time! These people are at the top of their game. They've anchored many fine films and much of America can identify with them. They polled particularly well with NRA members."

While the "Hills" family is noted for their dramatic portrayals, Zucker is confidant that they'll be able to transition to news… "Our kind of news anyway. These lads can segue from dismembering people with chainsaws to using the crudest hand tools in the blink of an eye. Are you telling me they can't run a network that reports made up stuff and calls it fact?"

As part of the general shakeup Dr. Sanjay Gupta will be hosting a new series on self medication, "Just Take What Makes You Feel Tingly," and several specials on "do it yourself surgery at home", perhaps with guest appearances by the new executives.