We're also a little concerned about your girlfriend. A few of our female coworkers think you might be smothering her. There's something called too much of a good thing. You're not kids… calling every single night reeks of insecurity. Also, there's that number she's been calling a lot. We're not at liberty to divulge any details but let's just say…don't drive her away.

Speaking of driving someone away… you're calling your shrink an awful lot. And every time you call him, right after you hang up, he gets on the phone and calls his own shrink… long calls.
I'm just sayin…

Oh… and that bill collector isn't going anywhere. Two words, "caller I. D." Or is that three words?

Another thing…hang-up calls to the free clinic that specializes in sexually transmitted diseases is creepy. If you've got a problem, just cowboy up and get yourself down there. These people do this sort of thing all day every day. Don't worry, there's nothing to be ashamed of. And once again…think about your girl.

That's about it for now. If you have questions just call anyone at all and ask them… we'll get back to you.

No one in history has ever accused anyone at the IRS of having a sense of humor and the Congressional hearings on IRS improprieties are doing nothing to dispel that notion. The phrase, "These people are idiots," is being heard a lot in Washington these days. Considering the fact that there's no shortage of idiots in Washington, it's important to remember that the IRS idiots are particularly dangerous idiots. At least you can trust the idiots in Congress to do as little as possible which makes them "idiots by omission…" something that's not quite as bad as having idiots suck all the money out of your bank account and then throw you in jail.

The nerd-fests that the IRS folks apparently consider to be really far out, good times would, for the rest of us, register on the fun meter somewhere south of attending a spelling bee at a grade school in Uzbekistan.

At least we now know who's keeping all those "Gilligan's Island" reruns on the air. One has to wonder if they bicker over who gets to play "Scotty" in the "Star Trek" spoofs.

A list of people that the IRS pays big (taxpayer) money to speak at their events would either redefine the whole concept of "strange," or on the other hand, put to sleep a roomful of addicts whacked on meth.

The national takeaway from all of this should be, whether the IRS is targeting your particular political group or not, if invited to one of their parties, save yourself... DON'T GO!

Pyongyang insiders are lamenting that Kim had been secretly hoping to have made the cover of "People" magazine by May, in a run-up to next years "Time" magazine's person of the year issue. "He very much wants to meet Beyonce and since conquering America was seen as something of a long shot. Kim thought that if they were in the same issue of People she'd start taking his calls." Jay-Z is said to be unconcerned.

Bing lamented, "He's even beginning to think his dream of being a centerfold is unrealistic…he's burned all his Polariods!"

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has convened a Security Council session to address Kim's funk, "We have to cheer this guy up, we're running out of insane dictators to fill his shoes… I never thought I'd hear myself say that!"

A delegation is being sent to talk to Hef at "the mansion." The Secretary General waxed optimistic, "Hef's been cheering young men up for decades."

In response, inner city youths continue to deny knowing either this Abercrombie Fitch dude or his friend Jefferies, and are baffled as to why a middle aged white guy would think he knows anything about being cool. They did, however suggest that Jefferies should stick around his own neighborhood and near his homies for the foreseeable future.

This is not Abercrombie's first brush with controversy. Every year when its lavishly produced catalog is released, it comes close enough to being soft-core pornography as to make national news. The young people portrayed in a catalog selling clothing never seemed to be wearing much clothing. But at least they're mostly white and always look like they're playing hooky from the nearest country club while they frolic on the beaches of the Hampton's, or skiing in Aspen. The models probably attend classes in prep schools that cost more per year in tuition than your parent's house is worth.

Mike Duke, CEO of slightly lower than "high end" Wal-Mart has announced that if he sees any of those Abercrombie kids in his stores he'll call security. "We don't need that kind of rabble, we're considering not carrying sizes appropriate for semi-anorexic models in the future. And in fact, speaking of rabble, if I see Mike Jefferies in a Wal-Mart I'll call security."

A caucus of congressional Democrats is writing a bill to have Benghazi taken off all the maps and purged from atlases and dictionaries. Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT.) explained, "It's kind of like the superstition in the theater where no one uses the word "Macbeth" backstage because it's terrible bad luck. Instead, they refer to it as, "the Scottish play." From now on when discussing Benghazi we want people to just say, "that place, over there."
Whitehouse sources that demand anonymity are suggesting that we may be soon to witness a rare and exciting "twofer" or "switcheroo." 

"If you go to Google Earth you might see that an eighty foot wall is being constructed around a bankrupt amusement park, formerly called BEAVERLAND, somewhere outside of Chippewa Falls, Minnesota. You also might notice that cargo ships are offloading containers full of office equipment at Guantanamo Bay."

Our source winced, "If you've ever taken your kids to a theme park in mosquito country in the summer you'll realized that we've actually found a way to raise the "cruel and unusual" bar.
He also implied that new guards and staff are being rotated into Gitmo and that the facility will, in the future, be policed exclusively by military personnel whose families have been audited.