An unlikely alliance of cetaceans, sperm whales, dolphins and orcas, banded together to deal with the ever increasing problem of noise pollution in the ocean. "The music of the ocean is crap now", chimed in a particularly animated dolphin. "You think rain on a tin roof sounds great, you should hear a storm on the ocean surface! We used to love going out to the ocean geysers and listening to them. The sound of the earth's tectonic plates moving against each other is haunting! But now?! It's tankers, drilling and sonar, oh my!" With dolphins and orcas maintaining perimeter security, the whales used a far more sophisticated ultra sonic frequency to, as they said, "shake it up a bit."

Naval submarines were beaching themselves around the entire pacific. The crew's i-pods (a term that really rankles a cetacean) were ear splitting. "We just wanted to give them a taste of their own medicine. The world is getting really crowded and there was bound to be blow back", especially from some very motivated blow holes!

They're setting their sites on the Japanese whaling industry next. "We want to capture some of their vessels, just for research porpoises, of course!"

Hordes of young Americans such as Maisie are permanently inked with Chinese symbols, barbed wire, hearts, butterflies, Pentagrams, dragons, shamrocks, the Grim Reaper, dollar signs, spiders, lightning bolts, Harley Davidson, names of old girlfriends, angels, Tweety birds, rattlesnakes, mermaids, aliens, pirates, American flags, Celtic crosses, signs of the Zodiac, names of old boyfriends, soccer heroes, logos of their favorite colleges, pro football teams and favorite divisions of the armed services.

“Mistakes were made,” said Omar Rorschach, a graphic designer who sports a tattoo of a killer whale on his Adam’s apple.

“We think maybe the government can give us some of the bailout money the banks don’t want to pay for getting rid of these things. I mean, the people in Human Resources are breathing down my neck.”

“Yeah, that’s gonna happen,” said a spokesperson for the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP). “Right after we take all the Wall Street bonuses back.”

“We are, like, totally outraged,” said Kendra Woodley Park, 11, who estimates she has taken 2700 photos of the panda on her cell phone. “Tai Shan is, like, totally cute and sending him back to China is, like, totally bogus.”

The panda is reportedly upset that he has not been consulted on breeding plans in China and that he will not be involved in the redesign of his Website.

“Tai wants to raise a family here in the States and several new marketing opportunities have presented themselves as he’s gotten older,” said the man from VAPA.

“We were looking at panda sunglasses – you know, the eyes – and a chain of drive-thru veggie takeouts called Tai Kwan Go.”

Of, course bigger trees mean a larger appetite for, you guessed it, CO2.
Scientists from the oil and gas companies say that at this rate we may have trouble keeping up with demand for their increased consumption. This should lead to a stripping of pollution controls.

Tree huggers, unable to get a grip on the situation, are having to switch to shrubbery and are wilting at the term "bush hugger".

Who would have thought that clear cutting and burning the rain forest would make it grow faster?

We used to be able to control their growth with the growing newspaper industry but with newspapers in decline, what will keep these gas guzzling behemoths in check? Junk mail ? We'll need a lot more ! Loggers are lining up to save the planet.

Next time you're in a grocery line, ask for paper ! Double bag it !!!

Ramaki, the Chief Hors d’oeuvres Officer (CH’O) for BYO Caterers, says that seating guests on a first-come, first-serve basis at state dinners would open up the process to people who really, really want to go to a state dinner.

“I read the official guest list,” she said. “A bunch of boring guys from Congress and paper-shufflers from the State Department and some Hollywood types.

“The gate-crashers? Hey, they’ve got a winery that’s out of business and about 100 pending lawsuits. The blond fibbed about being a pro football cheerleader. They’re colorful.”

A White House official, requesting anonymity, said it was not likely the Administration would adopt a rock-’n-roll approach to subsequent state dinners.

“OK, the last state dinner was in a tent but that was an exception,” he said. “It’s not a Kinks concert. We really don’t want people sitting on the lawn and holding up lighters while the President is giving a toast.”