Marge: It's kind of spooky being frozen in print. I can't move. And this binding hurts like hell.

Cosmo: Do you consider yourself loose and sexy or are you prudish?

Marge: I'm loosest as a pencil drawing. At that point, all it takes to get my clothes off is an eraser. Once I get inked and colored, I'm a lot more conservative.

Cosmo: Is Bluenette your natural hair color and are you Bluenette all over?

Marge: Yes, you naughty bird.

Cosmo: Has Homer started treating you like a sex goddess?

Marge: I wish. After the magazine hit the stands, he started looking at me as if I were a fresh-baked pepperoni pizza. It's quite disturbing.

Cosmo: Why do you think Playboy chose you?

Marge: I don't know. They can't be running out of real babes.

Cosmo: Well, even if you're not going to admit it, we at the Treetops-Tattler think you're a real, first-class, fabulous babe.

Marge: Cosmo, are you hitting on me? This is getting a little weird. I've gotta go.

Cosmo: Sigh.

Baseball Hall of Famer Luke Sapling agreed with the writers. “Back in my day the World Series was wrapped up by Halloween,” he said. “Next year we’ll have Frosty the Snowman throwing out the darn first ball.”

“Just look at me,” Sapling went on, pointing to the frozen tobacco juice on his jacket. “You might as well have spring training in Forty Mile, Saskatchewan.”

The sportswriters, many wearing Gore-Tex parkas and ski masks, held a rump press conference near the ice machine in the press box, claiming they were close to the breaking point.

“I didn’t sign up for Green Bay and the frozen tundra,” said longtime baseball scribe Archie “Decimal Point” Defendorf. “I’m going to have to start traveling with my own meteorologist. This is baseball. There’s no winter mix in baseball.”

Major league baseball officials predicted game-time temperatures would soar into the upper 40s.

“Looks like we’ll have to double the size of the press box feed,” said one league official. “That usually quiets the writers down.”

“The only thing worse than trying to land at that place is trying to return a car there,” he said. “No pilot I know is brave enough to drive one of those car return shuttles. Too dangerous. Captain Sully wouldn’t try it.”

Closer to home, Treetops pilot Flaps McIntercom said he missed old county airport out off Rural Route 927.

“It’s the one where the new GiGundo Maxi-Mart (and Pharmacy) is located,” he said. “That was a swell old airport. The Quonset hut was like a second home to me. Did all my Christmas shopping right there in the gift shop.”

Capt. McIntercom’s longtime co-pilot, Amelia Trueheart, said she once had a near-miss experience while on final approach to the airport in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

“There was confusion because we had been led to believe the airport was domed,” she said. “We kept looking for the dome. We finally had to put her down in Sheboygan.”

Several pilots expressed dismay that the pilots who missed the airport in Minneapolis because they were reportedly on their laptops.

“What the heck were they doing?” Capt. McIntercom wanted to know. “Playing online Suduku? Cruising the Cartoon Network?

“In my day we might have played a hand of euchre or two, sure. I had a problem with one of those Rubik Cubes back in the day. But we were professionals.”

Shoofly also argued that, in fact, her group was the original creative force behind the “new game sensation, Whack-a-Lib,” in which plastic models of liberal icons pop up through holes in the game board, are seized by the Invisible Hand of the Free Market and beaten into submission by authentic replicas of Rush Limbaugh’s Gucci loafers.

“So the real origin of WHACK is our exciting new game — available in finer stores throughout this great American nation of America,” added Shoofly.

Karen Willowisp, spokeswoman for the other side of the argument, replied, “Well ... well ... I’m rubber and you’re glue and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

Later, she acknowledged that wasn’t really a great response, but said that her group had yet to actually meet and decide on a platform.

“We’ve been in negotiations for three weeks over the shape of the table,” she said. “I suggested a round table, the shape of the sacred female ovaries. But then someone argued that was also the shape of those unmentionable things that men have. Their ... well, you know. So we’re at an impasse.”

Seasoned observers of the acronym scene noted that this week’s squabble was reminiscent of a fight some years ago between two men’s groups both claiming the right to use the name SAME.

One group said the letters stood for Surgeons Alliance for Male Enhancement. The opposing group claimed it was Society Advocating Men’s Education, which espoused a curriculum focused on beer tasting, TV remote control techniques, and pizza ordering. That situation was settled when the two groups agreed to merge under the name Same-old, Same-old.

“We really don’t disagree on anything,” said a spokesman for the two groups. “More is always better, whether it’s pizza or beer or ... you know. Not that I have any problems with that. None. None at all.”

"You got your flood, you got your famine, you got your pestilence," said lead investigator, Gertrude Gator. "And then you got ants at your picnic, rain on your parade and sand in your sandwiches. It all adds up - and you can track it all back to that one big Mother of All Mothers."

Responding to the report, the FBI has placed Mother Nature on their 10 Most Wanted list. She's not just Number One, she's numbers one through seven.

"The hell of it is," exclaimed FBI assistant director Busby Buzzkill, "We don't even have a picture of her to hang on the post office wall. How can a single entity create that much chaos and destruction without ever having her picture taken?"

"It is clear," cited a commission member who wished to remain anonymous fearing unimaginable retribution, "that Mother Nature doesn't want us on this planet. Period. She's trying to get rid of us like a hound dog scratching at fleas. We need to do something fast, before she decides to take a bath."

The FBI's Buzzkill agreed, saying "The world will be a much safer place once we get this lady behind bars."