By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Apr. 21st, 2010

The poker industry today denied that their sport, which generally involves pale, aging men wearing sunglasses playing cards inside Indian casinos, accounts for the most boring American television sports programming.

“Well, that’s just wrong,” said TV poker industry spokesman Woodrow “Chips” Holdem.

“We’ve got Mr. Kotter from ‘Welcome Back, Kotter’ in a bunch of our tournaments, and we’ve got a lot of pretty women walking around the table doing something. How is that more boring than cutting down trees on ESPN?”

An unscientific survey of TV sports programming reveals that the right to be called the most boring sports program is hotly contested. continued »

Sluggo McBluray, an unemployed house painter, estimates he watches 14 hours of sports programming every day, more when there’s golf on the weekend. He says he’s seen more bad TV than Jerry Springer.

“It’s a tough call with the boring sports programming,” Blueray said.

“How do you factor in shows where newspaper sportswriters, who frankly look a lot like the poker players except for the cowboys hats, yell at each other about the NBA draft for what seems like hours? Now that’s boring.”

Still, most agree watching poker on TV rivals logrolling by fat guys in Lycra and bass fishing, where they tie the fish up under the boat (allegedly), viewing guaranteed to put the most avid rooter into a catatonic state.

Poker mouthpiece “Chips” Holdem disagrees:

“I once slipped into a near coma watching a billiards tournament and I’m not even going to talk about bowling.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (171 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Apr. 19th, 2010

Cable TV’s array of “funniest video” programs are expected to observe a moment of silence to note the recent passing of the inventor of the trampoline.

“Well, they should,” said home recreation expert Mary Lou Limber.

“There are hours and hours of footage of people doing really stupid things on the trampoline. It seems to be the plaything of choice for stupid people.”

George Nissen invented the trampoline in Iowa in1937 and he took the name from the Spanish word for “diving board.”

Almost immediately, people of all ages began flying off the device in all directions, crashing through the suspension springs, sailing over the rubberized edge and crashing into the fence or the propane tank or the dog house or the dog. continued »

“There was a time, say, in the 1960s and 70s when the words ‘Can we get a trampoline’ would reduce the average suburban Mom to tears,” said Ms. Limber.

“Kids like to get on the trampoline two or three or at a time, increasingly the chances they will collide and crack their heads like coconuts. And what could be better than crazy Uncle Al with the beer gut deciding to try a somersault?”

Not much if you watch video compilations that show up on cable more often than “Law and Order” and reveal all manner of lunatic behavior on – and off - the “bounce mat.”

“Moi, I like ze bride falling into ze wedding cake,” said French video film critic Pierre de Pio. “But ze trampoline is fantastique. Without ze trampoline, no funniest home video industry.”

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Rating: 2.3/5 (160 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Apr. 14th, 2010

If you’re up at night worrying about the melting of the polar ice caps, experts in lab coats say there is another cosmic change on the horizon – a horizon that looks smeared green and yellow with pollen.

The Pollen Sneeze Cap, which extends from the Maine woods to the Florida Keys and is centered near the Vince Lombardi Service Area on the New Jersey Turnpike, is spewing pollen at a record rate this spring.

“You got your oak pollen, your birch pollen, your hollyhock pollen, your castor bean pollen,” said climatologist Vickie Visine.

“It’s brutal. During the Masters golf in Georgia Tiger Woods was coughing up a lung and it had nothing to do with his girlfriends.” continued »

In an 1153-page report, the United Nations Task Force on Mucus has compared the impact of tree pollen to the global polar ice cap situation.

For example Antarctica at the South Pole contains 90 percent of the ice on the planet. If the ice caps were to melt, ocean levels would rise approximately 200 feet and put a definite crimp in the Fourth of July weekend plans at the beach.

“Sure, that’d be bad,” said meteorologist Cliff “Leaky” Cynouss, “but this pollen is making me crazy.

“The sneezing, the wheezing, the eyes watering. I’m short of breath. I’m spending a fortune on Kleenex. My shoes are covered in pollen glue and my car is, well, ick.”

Experts blame the East Coast pollen tsunami this year on the harsh winter, unusually warm April temperatures or Joe Biden.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (171 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Apr. 10th, 2010

A new dinosaur species unearthed last month by fossil hunters in rural China has enraged the American coyote community.

The diminutive beast, identified as an Alvarezsaur by really smart guys with shovels, is small, long-legged, built for speed and really, really dead.

Scientists say the creature lived about 85 million years ago, long before the invention of Chinese takeout or Saturday morning cartoons.

They say it bears some resemblance to the American roadrunner and New Mexico state bird, Geococcyx Californianus.

This species chases insects and tarantulas along the side of the Interstate and makes your kids go nuts and ask for more apple juice when they see one.

Scientists at the Palo Alto Institute of Bird Stuff could not explain why the New Mexico state bird was named Californianus. continued »

“We’re busy,” said avian expert Scarlette Tanager. “Go away.”

The new fossil, discovered in the middle of nowhere, is called Xixianykus Zhangi, which is not nearly as interesting as the species identified years ago by cartoon paleontologist Chuck Jones as Batoutahelius, Velocitus tremenjus and Speedipus-rex.

Scientists in China think the Alvarezsaur may have sported tiny feathers, a fact certain to upset irate coyotes wandering in the desert falling off cliffs.

“They say he’s 85 million years old,” said a well-known U.S. coyote who requested anonymity so as not to alert the roadrunner. “I’ve only been chasing the darn thing for 60 years or so. I gotta tell ya, it’s a little depressing.”

A spokesman for the Acme Corporation declined to comment.

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Apr. 7th, 2010

Steve Jabs, the owner of a car wash on the outskirts of Buffalo, N.Y., says he is not going to buy an Apple IPad and there’s nothing anyone can do to make him.

“I saw the covers of Time and Newsweek,” said Jabs. “I saw Katie Couric talking about it on TV and my cousin Lindsey hasn’t talked about anything else for a month. But I don’t care. Not interested.”

Jabs’ refusal to cave into the advertising campaign and media blitz for the new tablet computer/laptop replacer/magic carpet ride has thrown the consumer electronics industry news into frenzy.

“Who does this guy think he is?” asked industry spokesperson Amanda Powerpoint. “It only costs about $600 to get started. There’s 150,000 apps. This chump needs to get in the game.” continued »

“I got a cell phone,” said Jabs. “Then my wife told me I had to have a Blackberry so I got one of them. I got a GPS system for the Buick cause it’s easy to get lost in all the snow up here. But that’s it.”

Jabs’ children say they are irate and embarrassed by their father’s stubborn behavior.

“Everyone was like down at the Apple store the day the IPads came out but Dad was working in his garage,” said son Brandon.

“Those poor kids,” said Ms. Powerpoint.

“Real Americans know that when a new product like this comes out they should be camped out in front of the store with a backpack full of Chex Mix, muffins and vitamin water. It’s the American way.”

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Rating: 2.2/5 (166 votes cast)