By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jun. 5th, 2010

The popularity of KFC’s sprawling “Double Down” chicken sandwich – all 540 calories, 32 grams of fat with two (2) strips of bacon and mystery sauce – is changing the way America eats. And its pants size.

Your doctor, and First Lady Michelle Obama are not too happy about it.

“We’re getting with the program,” said Sid Whitecastle, owner of the ‘A Pig in Your Blanket’ deli on the outskirts of Islamorada, Fla.

“We’re offering an order of Eggs Benedict wrapped in a Western Omelet wrapped in an order blueberry pancakes. Side of grits or home fries. $8.99. And we’ll help you walk to your car.”

Not to be outdone, Mary Margaret Incantolupo, who owns Vinny’s Tabernacle of Beef outside Philadelphia, is fattening up her menu as well. continued »

“We’re going with a classic Philly cheese steak but we’re adding a grilled Kielbasa and sauerkraut, along with our world famous jumbo cheese fries,” she said. “We throw in a diet soda, on the house.”

That carryout pizza may require the minivan for transport.

“We’re putting our extra-large thin-crust New York style pizza on top of a deep dish Chicago pie, and we’re tossing in the cheese sticks and the cinnamon rolls,” said Porky’s Pizza Pound owner Eddie Baskin.

Want to see the dessert cart?

“A slice of our cheesecake now comes with apple pie and ice cream, an éclair and a wedge of German chocolate cake,” said Cheesecake Armory manager Annabelle Soufflet. “We call it the World War 1.”

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Rating: 2.5/5 (143 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jun. 2nd, 2010

A very serious story in the very serious New York Times reports that many Americans have found an innovative way to deal with the pain of home foreclosure.

They’re ignoring it.

The Times reports (so it must be true) that “a growing number” (hmmm) of folks whose homes are in foreclosure have told the mortgage companies and the banks to stick it.

There are nearly 2 million homes in foreclosure in the U.S., which would seem to be the bad news. But the good news would seem to be that the foreclosure process is slower than waiting in line for photos at the Rite-Aid, and so delinquent homeowners are simply avoiding the mailbox.

“Clearly the banks and mortgage companies are suffering and you have to feel for them,” said financial analyst and all-purpose cable TV expert Ernie Madoff. continued »

“I mean the ones that haven’t gone bankrupt from overpaying their CEOs and handing out toxic mortgages to people without bank accounts. There are a couple like that, I think.”

“Ignoring your debts and responsibilities has a long, proud history in places like Wall Street,” said money guru W. L’Enfant Plaza. “The average person has been, shall we say, less successful with this strategy.”

Plaza noted that the auto industry has the repo man. The credit card industry raises your interest rate to 30 percent in the fine print. The gambling industry has two guys named Boo and Knuckles who come to your house.

And the housing industry? “I hear they’re talking to Boo and Knuckles,” said Plaza.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (127 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
May. 30th, 2010

Parks, beaches, front lawns, and all the other places where horseshoes and other weird games are played are becoming a more competitive environment this summer.

After unsatisfying performances in their flag football and softball tournaments, some aging, mediocre athletes see this summer as their chance to shine.

“Those games that my kids and I always play on the beach—I’m taking it to the next level,” claimed Gary Brookings, a former all-star for his company’s softball team. “This year I’m organizing a big tournament when we head to the Outer Banks.”

“I go to the beach to relax, but I threw way too many interceptions against Scintron last fall to not compete in the horseshoe event this summer,” explained Dave Jacobs, quarterback for rival company Microbe’s flag football team. continued »

The tournament, which will include events in horseshoe, bocce ball, and Frisbee, has already attracted over 50 people looking to resurrect their amateur sports seasons.

“I been practicing horseshoes all spring and I definitely think I’m ready to go,” said Brookings. “I built a horseshoe court in my backyard to give me a competitive edge going into it.”

For all the participants, this is a do or die event, the last chance for middle-aged businessmen to prove they still have some athletic talent left from their promising high school days.

“I’ve got a lot of people counting on me,” noted Jacobs. “This is when I can prove to myself and everyone else that I’m ready to lead Microbe to an Adult League championship next year.”

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Rating: 2.2/5 (123 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
May. 28th, 2010

Fashionistas from coast to coast are agog now that actress-flight risk Lindsey Lohan has been outfitted with a court-ordered alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet.

“C’est fantastique,” said Santa Monica fashion consultant and ankle-bracelet blogger Brandy Marnier.

“I predict an awesome new fashion trend now that Lindsey has brought the booze monitor into the bloodstream, er, mainstream.”

Lohan will only wear the bracelet for two weeks if she stays off the adult beverages. But the fashion set believes that’s long enough to entice America’s shoppers into checking out the bracelets – the device is called SCRAM in the criminal justice system - as a hip fashion accessory. continued »

“SCRAM. Please,” said Marnier. “First we need a name change. And all that measuring of a person’s perspiration after a long night of clubbing in Hollywood. Boring.”

The boys and girls in the fashion trade see vast accessorizing opportunities for the law-and-order bracelets.

Trendsetters in New York and L.A. have long wondered why the orange jumpsuit – a jailhouse standard – has never caught on with hipsters. But the electronic ankle bracelet may be the industry’s get-out-of-jail-free card.

“I see women having several bracelets in several colors – for work, for play, for court appearances,” said Marnier.

“You could get a bracelet in the color of your birthstone, or your eyes, or your shoes, or the color of your fave libation – a Cosmopolitan, a Margarita or an Apple-tini.

“Or maybe the bracelet could change colors, like a mood ring. Does anyone remember mood rings?”

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Rating: 2.3/5 (147 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
May. 24th, 2010

The gushing popularity of vampire movies and TV shows means cable television is going all vampire, all the time.

America’s younger set can’t seem to get enough blood with “Twilight,” “True Blood,” and “Vampire Diaries,” among other tales of neck gnawing gore.

Fresh blood comes in the form of the Vampire Box Office network (VBO), which will air nothing but vampire programming 24 hours a day, except for 30 minutes of Hollywood gossip every night about Lindsey Lohan standing outside bars.

“We’re giving them what they want,” said cable TV mogul and vampire authority Bela Lacosty. “And what they want are cute vampires running around in the woods biting people.” continued »

Lacosty promises plenty of what vampire fans seem to bleed for – tattoos, capes, biker chicks, creepy old houses, guys turning themselves into wolves, girls hiding in basements.

“What’s working on TV these days? I’ll tell you,” said Lacosty. “Bad singing and dancing and cops rooting through garbage and DNA. After that, it’s vampires, my friend.

“Same at the movies. Get a couple of pale teenagers and have one them turn out to be a 103-year old vampire. Stick them out in some awful desert town, mix in a werewolf and an evil stepfather and some kissing, hey, we’re done.”

VBO programming will include daytime quiz shows with vampire themes like “The Slash Game”; a soap opera called “One Neck to Bite,” a talk show featuring female vampires called “The Gurney” and a weekly entertainment program called “Dancing With the Scars.”

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Rating: 2.4/5 (142 votes cast)