By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jun. 24th, 2010

The Senior Pelican in the wetlands of Louisiana has a few things to get off his chest as the oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico plumes into Month Three.

Known to his friends and neighbors as Plaquemines Pete, the brown pelican has seen it all and would like to tell Congress about it.

“Everybody and his dog has been up on Capitol Hill,” Pete told the Tattler in an exclusive interview. “The oil company boys in the shiny suits have been talking and talking. What about us?

Pete cawed his complaint from atop a piling outside a vacant beer bar near Venice, LA. his home state.

“We don’t ask for much,” he said. “A few fish, a nesting area that doesn’t smell like Saudi Arabia, some girl pelicans. Clean water would be nice. continued »

“If I were to speak for all the pelicans – and why shouldn’t I? – I’d ask the folks in charge to let us know where they plan to mess up next, so we can make some plans of our own.”

Pete said that despite their peaceful demeanor, his fellow pelicans have pretty much given up on humans.

“You tell me,” he said. “I’ve got family all over the place – California down to Mexico, from the Carolinas to the Keys, even South America. But everywhere the humans go, it’s nothing but trouble and a lot of oil sloshing around for us.”

“Got some hippie relatives down on the Galapagos Islands. 500 miles from the nearest human. Starting to look pretty good to me.”

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jun. 23rd, 2010

The annual Virginia census report was published yesterday, and indicates that Virginia Starbucks coffee shops are now outnumbering the quantity of area stops signs 3-1.

“We are all shocked at this latest revelation,” said the Census Bureau Chief of the Commonwealth of Virginia. “This obviously points to an unsettling trend in the people and legislature of our state putting buttery-beige lattes and ‘free trade’ biscuit samplers ahead of children making it to the other side of the street in one piece.”

Local census-scientist Larsdon Hacksworth of Treetops University had this to say:
“It’s unreal. A decade ago, we had beautiful scarlet stop signs on every street corner. And now, four-way stop sign intersections are being purged from the state budget and renovated... into STARBUCKSES!” continued »

The new finding comes in the wake of the skyrocketing national rate of caffeine addiction per household in the United States. In response, Virginia communities have organically created a network of “Bring Back Our Stop Signs, Eradicate the Starbucks Nefariousness” support groups. The listed aims of the network are simple:

1. Re-instate the removed signs.

2. Distribute duct tape to all regional coffee addicts, so they have another way to keep their eyes open while working a 9-5 day-job.

3.

A spokesman for the “BBOSS, ESD” network told The Treetops Tattler that they never managed to write out their third goal. Apparently, the organization’s principal manifesto scribblers were “conked out from a desperate lack of coffee and energy drinks.”

Within seconds of making the statement, the spokesman then hung his head in shame after realizing the crushing irony.

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jun. 20th, 2010

As fans across the world arrive at South Africa to cheer on their respective teams, each one is trying to figure out the best way to be really, really obnoxious.

While the South Africans are famous for their loud and extremely irritating vuvuzelas, other fans are relying on the strategies that have made them annoying for years.

“I’m sticking to personal attacks on the players,” said Alberto, a diehard fan of the Spanish national team who would only give his first name for fear of opposing players learning his identity.

“It’s always worked for me in the past—in the EuroCup, the Confederations Cup—so I don’t see why I would change it for the biggest tournament,” explained Alberto, who researches the players’ backgrounds so his attacks really count. continued »

Other fans, particularly the US ones, are keeping things simple with classic jeering and loud noises.

“I don’t need anything extra to distract the players—my voice is plenty loud and irritating enough” claimed Joe “Big Boom” Brumfield.

“I feel like fans are losing touch with their roots with all these noisemakers and air horns and that other fake stuff.”

No matter what strategy the fans are taking, they see themselves as crucial to the success of their respective teams. Win or lose, their performance undoubtedly plays a role in their team’s performance.

“I’m going to have to be at the top of my game when we open against England for us to have a chance,” noted Brumfield. “I just hope my voice has the endurance.”

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jun. 19th, 2010

Sporting the colors of many lands, screaming, chanting World Cup fans are lobbying to bring the vuvuzela to American shores.

The incessant blaring of the two-foot plastic “stadium horn” has drawn more attention in the World Cup in South Africa than a 0-0 tie between Denmark and Peru. Or maybe Uruguay.

“The vuvuzela makes me happy and a little nauseated,” said U.S. soccer fan Zak Owngoal, who quit his job as Web designer in Redwood City, CA. to attend the month-long soccer fest.

“You sit in the stadium for two or three hours and after a while you forget your own name. It’d be a great way to spice up a baseball game. All they do at those things is play old rock music from the ’70.” continued »

Recruits from the Viva Vuvuzela Vanguard (VVV) based in Earache, Colo. hope to hear the screech of the horns at pro football, hockey and basketball games in the US of A.

“Might be a little bit much for the tennis set,” said Owngoal. “But the tradition of not being able to hear yourself think for hours is part of what makes the World Cup special. That, and the scoreless ties.”

During the second week of the World Cup a young man was tossed out of a baseball game at Yankee Stadium for showing up with a vuvuzela with intent to toot like a million locusts.

“Blaaaaaat,” said the VVV in a statement.

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jun. 9th, 2010

Scientists have unearthed a Roman gladiator graveyard in northern England. The bodies of 80 large men expired for some 1,800 years have aroused the interests of “Spartacus” and “Ben-Hur” fans everywhere.

The Tattler has unearthed its own find; what appear to be diaries kept by some of the gladiators with accounts of their battles with lions, tigers and bears, and each other.

“Quintus is a cheater,” said the diary of Drusus the Ungainly. “We think he’s found some kind of magic pill that makes him perform better in the arena. Hate that guy.”

Confrontations with large predatory animals were clearly an issue. continued »

“The big bears have been a problem for some of the fellows,” said Crassus the Unkempt. ”Sometimes you can figure out what to do with the lions, but the bears are just plain crazy.”

While the gladiators were in bondage to the Romans, they apparently came from all over Europe.

“It’s nice to meet chaps from other places,” said Gnocchus the Short. “We have a jug of mead or two. But it tends to work out badly, what with the fighting to the death and all.”

And experts on site are not finished with their work.

“We’ve been looking for a pub,” said gladiator authority Sir Edmund Sussex-Dorset.

“It seems like men in this stressful line of work would have needed a quiet getaway place and maybe a strong drink. So we think there might have been some early version of the English pub nearby. ‘Ye Olde Hammer and Hatchet,’ that kind of thing.”

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