This morning’s bureau press release includes federal agents’ acknowledgment of clear evidence that the frat house living room/dance floor was used for, “bizarre initiation rituals including, but certainly not limited to, water-boarding helpless pledges with really, really cheap single malt and abysmal basement-bathtub-brewed snifter.” According to on-campus testimony, Treetops D.I.K. brothers affectionately refer to this rite as their “Abu Grab-some-ass” night.

And due to the sensitivity resulting from the fresh memories of human rights abuses perpetrated by the United States government, this recent hazing revelation has drawn international condemnation, most vocally from the Swiss and Portuguese.

Furthermore, an anonymous source within the federal squadron stated that hazing devices found in the frat house could very well be tantamount to a war crime, “albeit, a sophomoric, vaguely homoerotic one.”

Pledges were also forced to manage, subsidize, and take part in utterly politically incorrect house events, including “Trophy Wife” parties, “Jungle Fever” shindigs, and right-wing “To Catch an Illegal Immigrant” soirées.

According to Treetops legal expert Gloria DiMenico, the party themes alone amount to serious crimes against political correctness and violate Treetops’ “laws on common decency and non-douche-itude.”

“Armed with their inexpensive liquor, these cheapskate, degenerate frat-boys pose a clear and present threat to American civil society, much like Los Angeles gangland warfare and Donna Summer albums,” said DiMenico.

“Dirge-like frat-boy chants and their pastel are crimes enough!” she quickly added.

A number of highly scientific studies in recent years have been unable to determine if eating chocolate makes people depressed or if depressed people eat more chocolate because it makes then feel better. Or not.

Alert seventh graders point out that the same question could be asked about having a few beers at the ball game or parachuting out of airplanes or playing video games all afternoon or running away to join the rodeo.

“It’s kind of a cosmic question,” said Joy Almond, a pretty smart seventh grader. “Mom eats a big bowl of Mac and cheese and she tells me that it’s comfort food.

“I told her that a big bowl of chocolate-covered Cheerios is the same thing. Maybe I should be a scientist.”

The fans have broken the food rankings into three categories—value, taste, and selection—and release team rankings based on this information every week.

“I’ve been traveling around the country with my wife, trying the different foods at each stadium,” diehard Braves fan Willie Cedarwood said from the steps of his RV.

“So far the Phillies are in the lead without question. Their Two-Dollar Cheesesteak Tuesdays offer great value and superb taste.”

In the latest rankings, the New York Yankees rank last, with fans citing their 12-dollar beer and slim food selection as really holding back the “Bronx Bombers” potential.

Even without the batting averages and home run counts, fans are still managing to quarrel endlessly over who the best team is.

“Philadelphia? Really?,” McSlugger responded. “I’m going with Kansas City to win the World Series of Food over the Brewers. The barbeque at Kauffman Stadium was phenomenal.”

“We may do some car pooling with the Russians on the space shuttle,” said von Cheapskate, “and we have a recycling program in the works for all the stuff we’ve left floating up there since 1963.”

NASA rejected the idea that future astronauts will be charged for carrying personal baggage aboard spacecraft.

“We are going to limit the number of carry-on bags, however,” said von Cheapskate.

“If the astronauts wants to bring on their own drinks and snacks, maybe some nice Chex Mix or granola, we’re fine with that. And you won’t see so many of those videos with the astronauts singing Christmas carols and such. Every penny counts these days.”

The Welsh are proud of the scores of unpronounceable monikers attached to the places they call home, from Abertysswg to Ysstrad Mynach.

“When you come to our country you can visit Maesycwmmer or Bwich Oerddrws or Troedrhiwfuwch or Pwllypant,” said Hilda Jones Jones, the nation’s Vowelmaster General.

“You can stay at Llancaich Fawr manor, or book a bed and breakfast on the River Usk. There’s the cider festival near Abergavenny, of course, and the seaside festival at Pwllheli and any proper Welsh breakfast comes with cockles and Laverbread, a lovely edible seaweed.”

Jones Jones noted that with recent changes to international Scrabble rules allowing for proper nouns, spelling out the old Welsh district of Mynyddislwyn (say “manu-this-loin”), would be worth, well, a bunch of points.

Iceland could not be reached for comment.