Certainly one of the most anticipated examples of this genre is Justin Bieber’s turn as Willie Lohman in the newest remake of Arthur Miller’s 1949 Pulitzer Prize winning play, “Death of a Salesman.” The cast includes show business legend Betty White as Willy’s long suffering wife Linda and Bieber’s personal mentor Usher as son Biff. The playbill has been engineered to appeal to every demographic that has been identified as part of the movie going public… with the possible exception of the XXX crowd.

While Ms. White insisted that she was willing to do whatever it would take to cover all the bases, director Wayne Bing declined the offer stating that, “it would require too much script reengineering and theatrical purists would probably object.” He added, “although I’m sure the author, who for a period was married to Marilyn Monroe, would have been pleased”.

Hollywood insiders are looking forward to “Avatar” type opening weekend numbers, while the music industry is extremely excited about the Usher/Bieber soundtrack album. “Rolling Stone’s” Randall Bowlton expects the title cut, a duet with Bieber and Usher, “You’re a Dead Salesman Now” to shoot to number one on the charts. “This is Burt Bacharach’s finest soundtrack since “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” Bowlton gushed.

Young Bieber’s next project, a biopic on blind Chinese activist Chen Guancheng with Bieber as Chen, is in pre-production.

By the way, it’s bio-pic not bi-opic.

This spring, like a herd of tragically disoriented lemmings, 200 people are snaking their way up the highest mountain on earth. The individuals who conquered Everest in the early days were probably the types of people who wouldn’t fancy being around 200 of their fellow beings under the best of circumstances, let alone in a place called “the death zone.” Now it’s the place to be… if you think like a lemming.

Departing from base camp, which is a vast sea of colorful tents adjoining an estuary
of human waste that will never degrade, the would-be Everest conqueror climbs until he reaches an altitude that will not support human life. Spending a prolonged amount of time at this altitude can result in the climber and even the most experienced guide, coming down with a case of, whaddaya call it? Um… death.

Sadly, this happens every season and it’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of how many. This is not a laughing matter, but the flawed human reasoning that has people thinking that they can just plunk down a pile of dough (in the neighborhood of $50,000) and duplicate a feat that took mankind until 1953 to do for the first time, ought to be good for a laugh. It’s the story of people who have that kind of money to spend on gratifying their egos. It’s the same attitude that caused the world financial collapse.

It’s called buying your way to the top. Go find a politician, any politician and study him. Try to find a poor one. Then turn on the news and watch the falls from grace.
Hubris and arrogance can have unpleasant consequences.

See, I told you it was funny.

After the clusterboink that shook Wall St. to its foundations, some stockholders felt that Dimon should be stripped of at least one of his titles at Morgan Chase, but the CEO countered through a mouth full of caviar, “We’re still going to make billions and billions, which is more than you and all that “occupy” scum will ever make. All those losers without jobs will have a hard time making that kind of dough too. So bite me!”

Dimon, who has been in the vanguard of the fight against federal banking regulations went on, “Sure, now it will be a bit more expensive to buy members of congress, but that kind of money is chump change compared to the billions we just flushed… will you refill this champagne, buster?”

Financial experts agree that Morgan will indeed make big old piles of money this year and they also agree that congress will do absolutely nothing about surreal banking practices, global warming or WMD’s in Iraq.

Dimon continued, “At least we don’t have to worry about those clowns we elected mucking things up. If they actually did something it would be like the water boy giving orders to the coach. No, we’re safe to make or lose as many billions of dollars as we want. The good news is we’ll always find a way to pass on any losses on to the American people and then deny it. Now bring my car around, lout, I want to go to my yacht.”

The poor performance of Facebook has founder Zukerberg considering having the website join the European Union. “We need something like that to start looking good again, since we’re still worth more than all of Europe put together, plus a few islands in the Pacific and Antarctica,” exclaimed the wunderkind of nerddom.

EU spokesperson Wrandi Von derBing was unabashedly enthusiastic. “We’d love to have Facebook join us. They can have all the Euros they want, their own language, whatever it takes. Though I’m not sure where we’d put the 900 million people.”

President Obama, in a hastily called press conference, stated that the U.S. would aggressively be doing “whatever it takes” to keep all Facebook users citizens of the United States. “A “like” for me is a vote for me. Lets see Mitt and BAIN take over that one!”

Caught on the campaign trail at a 7 Eleven in Chippewa Falls, Gov. Romney countered, “Facebook would indeed be the largest company BAIN and I have destroyed, but we feel we’re up to it. As usual, it would be strictly for the good of the American people, with me and the boys making a little something on the side.

I’m sure the world can do without whatever Facebook makes. The same goes for the people who make whatever Facebook makes!”

“What’s Facebook?”

In an interview that occurred somewhere off the Pacific Northwest coast, a whale who didn’t wish to be identified stated, “human beings are so spectacularly stupid that sometimes I wish I were a carnivore.” The whale, who we will refer to as “Moby” went on, “anyone who wasn’t rooting for the shark in “Jaws” should be made to surf while wearing a seal suit.” This statement is emblematic of the contempt the animal kingdom has for us. “I think the plankton I eat are brighter than some people.”

The new trend that has parents at zoos putting their toddlers in front of the glass with a huge man-eating cat on the other side pretty much has all of nature crying foul. “We wouldn’t offer up our offspring to human hunters. What’s wrong with these people? That glass is unbreakable…the Titanic was unsinkable, the Red Sox will never win a World Series. Ha! I mean YUM.” Moby’s inner carnivore was clearly trying to make a break for it.

Moby feels strongly that the parents who try to feed their children to huge, frustrated jungle animals are the same humans who have to know “everything” about celebrities’ weddings. Said Moby, “ While a tragic accident would be, er… tragic, it might be a small step towards improving the human gene pool. Some people shouldn’t be breeding, and you can usually tell who they are by the “People” magazine with the picture of a bride and groom on the cover heading into a tanning salon with a small child in tow.” Moby concluded, “I don’t think tanning makes humans any smarter either.”