For reasons that technological anthropologists are working desperately to discover, the tiny cell phone in your pocket can make movies that would thrill Cecil B. DeMille, while the images from surveillance cameras in that store, and everywhere else, look like they’ve been shot through a dirty fishbowl. If King Kong was beating up Godzilla in the store, right in front of the camera, it would be difficult to tell the ape from the reptile.

One theory is that the people who provide the surveillance equipment are the people who rob the stores. Another theory is that King Kong and Godzilla are in the security camera business. Either way, while everyone else is upgrading their computers, iPhones, iPads and iPods every five minutes, (just the way APPLE intended), security cameras that were manufactured before you were born, are sitting in the upper corners of rooms looking down at potential crime scenes seeing pretty much what Stevie Wonder sees.

The best hope that one of these security cameras has of preventing a crime is if a screw loosens and it falls off its mount and hits the criminal on the head.

Nonetheless, sticking up small stores is a terrible idea. Don’t do it.

So, if you need some money, just walk into a convenience store, look directly into the camera, and buy a lottery ticket.

And then watch out for The Boss’s bus.

International tension continued to mount right up to takeoff, at which point the craft broke apart approximately 100 miles above the Yellow Sea, pretty much walking distance from the launch site. The young, “Super Duper Beloved Leader,” Kim Jong Un was immediately promoted to “First Chairman” of something or other and giant fifty-foot tall statues of his father and grandfather were unveiled in front of jubilant throngs, waving bouquets of plastic flowers and then trying to eat them.

Many here at home considered this to be a major knee-slapper, but the U. N. Security Council response was to play it straight and reiterate its strong objections to the mission. They demanded to know why North Korea would need a weather satellite at the bottom of the ocean where, presumably, the weather doesn’t really change all that much.

Vaguely embarrassed by the techno-debacle, the North Koreans are said to be planning to blow a whole bunch of stuff up underground in order to save face.

Stay tuned... they say the Korean peninsula is lovely this time of year.

Uncle Sam wants you!

One newsletter obtained by the Tattler seems to be devoted in its entirety to the vacuum cleaner. For decades pet owners have been baffled as to why their beloved dogs and cats are filled with abject terror when confronted with a vacuum, knowing full well that Rover or little Fluffy has never, ever, been injured or even intentionally threatened by the appliance.

John S. Thurman’s 1899 Pneumatic Carpet Renovator was gas powered and understandably could have petrified farm animals for miles around, but in 1901 H. Cecil Booth got into the vacuum business and eventually developed a much quieter electric model.

One thing the hateful machines have done consistently is to suck up tasty food morsels from the floor. From the vantage point of a human standing upright these yummy snacks look like “filth,” but from the dog or cat perspective, they are a landscape full of tidbits held in reserve, waiting for that special moment when the process of decay has rendered them just right.

Then comes the evil beast and sucks the goodies up. While beloved master does his best to hold the creature back, it keeps lunging ahead. Time and time again master pulls it back only to have the vacuum monster lunge forward until there’s nothing left. Woe unto the fuzzball who falls into the path of the vacumonster.

Pets are clueless as to why fathead keeps this thing around, lying dormant until it awakens to gobble up yummies when they’ve ripened to perfection. Fathead wishes Rover and Fluffy would show a little backbone.

Comedians have seemingly had a bitter grudge against Cheney ever since he got a dragon tattoo that covered most of one side of his abdomen. “The first few piercings and small tattoos were terrific and we were all grateful for the nipple rings. But the large dragon stopped us in our tracks“ she complained. We couldn’t touch that one with a taser. I mean, what do you say about something like that? I’m beginning to believe all the Darth Vader stuff.”

While medical ethicists debate the wisdom of transplanting an organ where none previously existed, Cheney supporters point to his exhaustion after having played the roles of all the villains in the Harry Potter movies. “Dick needed help, he took on a lot and paid the price,” commented close friend, Lucifer. "Acting was a huge stretch for Dick… channeling as many taxpayer dollars as possible to Halliburton should really be reason enough for a fella to get up in the morning.”

Bing summed up the comedians' dilemma, “It’s about dignity. When a real situation is more absurd than the dumb jokes you’re making about it, what can you do?” She lamented, “These comedians want to be able to turn on the tv to watch the news and the last thing they need to see is a smiling Dick.”

Lemming went on, “the best way to get filthy rich is to take someone else’s money, buy something, and then sell it at a profit without ever laying eyes on it. Sometimes it would be real estate (currently described as “a little soft”) but sometimes it would be futures, (something that doesn’t even exist)… my personal favorite.” He went on, “that, by the way, is why it cost you $300 to drive to work this morning!”

While some were becoming obscenely wealthy, others continued to “work” in the old fashioned sense. The technical Wall St. term for these people is “chumps.” Lemming expanded, “these chumps seem to be generating most of this so called “sweat” and there are a lot of people on Wall St. who find it just plain offensive.” In a random man-on-the- street interview conducted outside a major financial institution, several young brokers admitted to having heard of “sweat” but were sure it only occurred in the presence of a licensed personal trainer.

A couple young masters of the universe recalled sitting around their club with some older members and being told tales of things called “blisters” and “calluses". “I honestly don’t know if they expected us to believe that stuff,” one confided. “But I’m definitely looking forward to a time when these chumps stop sweating.”

Asked what the “chumps” were supposed to do for a living in a “no sweat” society, Lemming explained, “there are many opportunities for the new investor, particularly in the nation of Nigeria... check your email or go on the web. Everyone has a little something set aside, and one can always borrow from aging parents. Put it together and send it to these fine Nigerian entrepreneurs and you’re off and running!”