The shakeup is being blamed on the current Goldman Sachs scandal in which Goldman vice president Greg Smith resigned on the pages of the New York Times, and in the process outed Goldman as being a nest of morally bankrupt sleazeballs. Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein, who has been described as a “vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity” disputed Smith’s claims.

Bowlton went on, “you can see that we’re going to need a lot of room here for People’s Opinion of Wall St., and frankly it was already getting crowded with People’s Approval of the War in Afghanistan. Folks think we have all the room in the world, but we don’t”

Rejected by ROCK BOTTOM, disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich expressed deep disappointment, “I really thought I’d made it” he lamented. Bowlton countered, “The federal facility where Rod is going to spend the next fourteen years has pool tables, ping pong tables, a view of the Rockies and serves Saturday brunch.

In other words, for a large percentage of the earth’s population, it would be the nicest place they’d ever been. It’s fair to say that Rod was being overly optimistic. However, he’s a relatively young man with a lot of screwing up yet to do. I’m confident that he can think of this period as a stepping-stone, and I’m sure we’ll see him here at ROCK BOTTOM before the end.”

People who have been working for decades to try to convince responsible lawmakers to change antiquated pot laws have been seen grouped together like lemmings waiting for the other shoe to drop. “I can’t imagine anything worse,” moaned Bing. “This guy makes Gingrich look like Timothy Leary. Why would he do it?”

For his part, Robertson, who has reportedly been spotted escorting Grace Slick around California’s Esalen Institute, claims that he’s never touched the stuff. He commented, “the war on drugs has cost the American taxpayers billions and dramatically driven up prices for Julio who hangs out down by the schoolyard. It’s time for the madness to end.” Bing and other leaders at NORML are inconsolable and reported to be considering “the Jonestown solution.”

On the bright side, since Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich feel so strongly that it’s okay for government and religion to be cuddling up, Pastor Robertson’s announcement has a lot of people thinking that it will now be safe to drop by Santorum and Gingrich’s homes to fire one up without being hassled by “the man.”

When asked for comment, the Reverend Al Sharpton, whose mellow seemed severely harshed, described the situation as “Limbaughesque.”

Poised and articulate, the woman in question, Sandra Fluke, is a law student at Georgetown University. She had not been allowed to address the Congressional Panel on Birth Control because the panel was not on speaking terms with the voice of reason. But she did address a delegation of Democrats later, a group that Rep. Eric Cantor referred to as being, “whadayacallit whipped.”

Shortly before an interview with NBC’s Andrea Mitchell, President Obama called Fluke to offer his support and congratulations. The President referred to Limbaugh as “corpulent and uninformed.” In a surprising display of one-upmanship the veteran journalist, Mitchell, decreed that Limbaugh was, “a moronic douche who needed to have his nads ripped off,” in a tone that suggested that she might be volunteering for the duty.

By the weekend, Limbaugh’s show had lost no less than six sponsors and the admitted drug addict was worried enough about revenues that he issued an apology. The apology was rivaled in its insincerity only by a cornered and snarling Newt Gingrich’s declaration that he agreed that his pal “Rush” should have apologized.

Observers on both sides of the aisle have been questioning how the Republican Party’s war on women will affect the creation of little Republicans.

Clearly upset by all those whacky “rights” bestowed on the people of England by the great document, Santorum continued, “this is the sort of evil that encourages people to go around having abortions. Marrying people of the same gender, going to college, and not believing in God is probably just fine with those sick Magna Cartans!” The mere thought of the document, that is admittedly very old and quite possibly smelly, had the candidate throwing up in his mouth a little.

The crowd worked itself into a frenzy, chanting “off with their heads” at no one in particular, just feeling that it was a thirteenth century kind of thing to do. After allowing several minutes of mouth frothing, Sen. Santorum announced, “I promised my wimmenfolk that if I finished within ten points of Romney in Michigan, they’d all get new chastity belts.

What say we meet back here in a couple hours and burn some witches?” As Santorum exited the stage, the crowd proceeded to mill around collecting kindling and looking for a liberal.

For some time now people have been throwing around the phrase “idiot savant” when Cassatt’s name came up, something many felt was a reckless and unfair characterization as few could figure out where the “savant” part fit in. Thanks to an extensive study conducted at the famed Mayo Clinic, researchers were able to determine that “savant” referred to Cassatt’s ability to earn a living by being an idiot. “It was a real breakthrough," gushed Dr. Bing, "It gives hope to all idiots.”

Now, jubilant idiots and comic strip fans across the U.S. and beyond are demanding some kind of recognition for the veteran scribbler. A “Lifetime Achievement Award” from the IDIOT HALL OF FAME has been suggested, also, perhaps, a bobble head doll.

In 1992, the great visionary genius and SHOE creator Jeff MacNelly, who was tiring of the grind of a daily strip, brought Cassatt into the SHOE family in an effort to avoid becoming the kind of drooling nitwit that Mrs. Cassatt currently wakes up to every morning. While the gambit worked for Jeff, who remained vital and creative until his untimely passing in 2000, MacNelly’s own worst fears sadly seem to be manifest in Chris.

Cassatt’s early years are shrouded in mystery. It’s known that he spent some time in college to avoid having his head blown off in Viet Nam. This ended when a draft lottery number was drawn that was high enough to ensure that he couldn’t have gotten into the Mexican Army even if he wanted to.

Leaving academia in his wake, legend has it that he migrated to the Rocky Mountains to make skis created out of actual barrel staves, an idea whose time had not yet come. Industry professionals now say that if he’d been willing to stick it out for another 40 years, he might be turning a profit this very day!

It was in the thin air of the high Rockies that Chris met Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist and “Mother Goose & Grimm” creator Mike Peters. Apparently clear air and clear thinking are not the same thing as they quickly became close friends. Peters then introduced Cassatt to MacNelly who recognized both the idiot and the savant in Chris… and the rest is history.