The “chair” was essentially a “surrogate” for an “imaginary” President Obama making it twice removed from the president himself. “Truthfully we’d be happier with a full six degrees of separation but if this is the best we can do, we gotta roll with it,” Carney explained.

Eastwood supposedly won the debate with the chair and Governor Romney emerging victorious at last Wednesday’s event, those advising the president are beginning to get a little edgy. “We’re thinking of bringing in Schwarzenegger. Maybe some his charm and winning attitude will rub off,” referring to the actor/politician’s appearance on “60 MINUTES” touting his autobiography. He admitted that the book was causing ex-wife Maria Shriver and his children enormous pain but “what the hell, lets put it out there anyway.”

The President’s only response when confronted with the debacle-ness of the situation was to indicate that Wednesday had been the worst wedding anniversary he and Michelle had celebrated in twenty years of marriage… “and I didn’t like the way my wife was looking at Mitt with those hungry eyes.”

The reason for this is that I don’t expect a thing from my FB “friends". Maybe an occasional “like”… that’s it, the bar’s pretty low. If I have a couple hundred friends and I post a gorgeous picture of some fall scenery and I get 10 “likes”, that’s the standard, I should never expect any more than 10 “likes” no matter what I post. With the possible exception of an announcement of a lottery win and an accompanying query as to whether anyone needs a loan. I can see myself getting a few more “likes” in a situation like that.

Facebook friends don’t know what you really look like. They only know the pictures you’ve posted that you’ve gleaned from every picture ever taken of yourself. And of course, as a public service, you selected ones from when you were 200 lbs lighter and still had teeth and hair. That goes both ways I think, unless there actually are middle-aged women out there who haven’t been photographed since college and don’t have much to choose from.

Your FB friends think you live in a really cute house. They’ve never seen pictures of the things your cats hock up in corners, waiting to be discovered by being stepped in while barefoot. And you’ve never documented and posted pictures of the rotting garbage piled up everywhere except in the direct route from the couch to the refrigerator where the beer is.

And there’s absolutely no reason for your Facebook friends to doubt that you’re an Aspen ski instructor in the winter and a marine biologist in the South Pacific in the summer.

With the news being dominated by campaign coverage and late night talk, funnymen being constantly provided with fodder in the form of idiotic remarks coming from the candidates, there’s a logjam of political carping. “There’s no room for anything else.” Hickenlooper lamented, “No one in Colorado knows that Apple has come out with a new iPhone or that we have some sort of go-cart on Mars! Peyton Manning could be giving away free money in downtown Denver and no one would show up because we wouldn’t be able to get the word out.”

In a random man-on-the-street interview Canadian Wayne Bing responded, “It doesn’t work that way up north. We just have a couple weeks of snowball fights and it’s over. Whoever’s left wins. It’s kind of a last man standing deal.” His fetching companion, Randita Boltenez who hails from Acapulco explained, “That last man standing thing is the same in Mexican elections. Except that the last man standing is the one who hasn’t been killed by the drug cartels.”

Candidate Romney, in a continuation of the “charm offensive” he began in London during the Olympics, stated that all worthless, lazy, Democrats can think about is food, shelter and healthcare. One Romney aide quipped, “Mitt will never change these bums' minds, he’s writing them off and sticking with the ‘which home will I spend Christmas in and should I get the jet repainted?’ crowd.”

President Obama countered that he didn’t particularly care what color people painted their private jets but felt strongly that it’s nice if folks can be home for Christmas and that it was sad that they can only be in one of their six or so homes at a time. The Romney camp shot back that the President’s statement was exactly the sort of thing an un-American, commie rat bastard might say.

Obama retorted that to say that 47% of Americans don’t pay taxes “would be like saying that multi millionaire Romney has been paying the same percentage in income taxes as an individual making less than $33,000 per year. Oh wait, he is…. my bad.”
Romney fumed, “Anyone who keeps his money in banks in the continental United States is probably a terrorist!”

Thus the enlightened debate on the issues continues.

Unfortunately some people are lactose intolerant and, stranger still, some men’s life partners don’t fancy them smelling like dead fish 24 hours a day. This leaves sunshine as a viable option and pharmaceutical companies are scrambling to patent the potential hair growing miracle drug. The manufactures of Viagra and Cialis have both send legions of lawyers on the march. “It’s un-American that something with this kind of market potential should be free,” raged Pfizer spokesman Randi Bing.

Seemingly oblivious to the fact that if sunshine cured baldness, no one would be bald, the major players in the drug industry are coming close to having a psychotic break over possible lost profits due to the “free sun” issue. Industry observers are suggesting that their sensitivity could be attributed to a misplaced reaction to the current aspirin situation. Bing raged that with all new benefits being attributed to the common aspirin, “If the world made any sense we’d be able to start charging $100 per tablet. Where’s the fairness? God, what a headache.” At which point he chewed down an entire bottle of Tylenol.