In dog years the wildly popular comic strip would be two hundred and forty-five. Interviewed by a journalist who wishes to remain anonymous for career saving reasons, Treetops Tattler editor P. Martin Shoemaker took issue with being measured in dog years. “We’re the birds who make the newspapers the idiot dogs fetch. You tell me who’s farther up the chain?” When asked what chain he was talking about Shoemaker put his cigar out in the interviewer’s Red Bull.

During the research for this article other SHOE characters either didn’t return phone calls, emails and texts, or issued press releases claiming to be out of town. Shoemaker explained, “They do fly south you know and then north, east and west, depending on their level of confusion. They’re birds… they have the bird brains.”

A celebration said to be rivaling the Queen’s Jubilee is slated for September 12. It will be held in Chimbote, Peru.

Everyone who can fly south is invited.

The state of Mississippi was an innocent bystander in all the politicking but didn’t escape some sort of biblical wrath, with Isaac turning up on the exact anniversary of hurricane Katrina’s arrival. A day later as many as 20,000 dead and bloating swamp rats began to float ashore, turning many areas into a fetid miasma.

In Charlotte, spirits were further dampened when it became clear that the traditional finale to these events, the balloon drop, had been set up in the stadium. There was serious doubt if more balloons could be found and rigged for a drop in the convention hall.

In a heartwarming gesture of bi-partisanship, Mississippi’s Republican Governor Phil Bryant has offered the swamp rats to the DNC. “They could drop the rats instead of balloons and afterwards hand them out to the poor instead of this month's ration of food stamps,” Bryant suggested. “It’s a win-win.”

When news of the plan reached candidate Romney he was said to have grinned from ear to ear and commented, “Now that’s what I’m talking about.”

Later in the evening, in some off the cuff comments at one of Tampa’s finer pole bars, the imaginary Obama agreed. “I think the whole thing went very well for both Clint and Mitt. I had no idea I’d be there tonight until I suddenly appeared after Clint smoked something that didn’t look like a Marlboro. Come what may, it was fascinating, like a glimpse into the opposing team’s locker room.” The imaginary President went on, “the Clintster (that’s what he told me to call him) also said that he was sick of casting Morgan Freeman every five minutes and that after leaving office I could very well have a future as an imaginary actor.”

Some Democrats who were interviewed felt betrayed. “We thought he was one of us,” complained a clearly agitated Wayne Bing, who later admitted to being a Canadian. “I guess we should have seen it coming when he did an entire movie about J. Edgar Hoover and didn’t show Leo DiCaperio wearing a dress once! What’s up with that?”

The phrase, “jumping ship” scarcely begins to describe the response of Akin’s fellow Republicans to his stunning, now infamous, brain fart. Everyone from Mitt Romney to Karl Rove has called on Akin to quit his Senate race and go back to medical school. “With a few more facts at his disposal, we think Todd will have a lot to give to the healthcare industry,” Newt Gingrich suggested.

Not all lawmakers are down on Akin. Insiders are saying that Rep. Kevin Yoder (R) Kansas, has had a large bouquet of roses and a box of Fanny Farmer chocolates delivered to Akin’s Missouri campaign headquarters. A Yoder aide quipped, “Todd’s timing couldn’t have been better for us. I mean, how do you take the spotlight off a drunken congressman skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee?”

Congressman Yoder’s unfortunate lapse of decorum occurred during a junket sponsored by a group promoting US/Israel relations. Galilee, the sea that scripture tells us is where Jesus walked on water, is not the usual place for spring break type high jinks. A Galilee lifeguard who identified himself as Ari stipulated that there’s nothing especially illegal in swimming in the buff, but Yoder’s escapade has given birth to a new Galilee water sport. “Now everyone’s trying to walk on water. No one really wants to immerse themselves in a body of water where a United States Congressman went swimming “commando.”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton observed, “I couldn’t be more excited by the choice. Being Vice President of the United States is an unbelievably demanding job and one I frankly wouldn’t take on. Whatshisname, the last guy, was really great and Joe’s got some big shoes to fill. I’m very much looking forward to seeing Joe more often… where’s he been?”

Some political pundits are questioning the choice citing Biden’s lack of name recognition as a potential problem. News anchor, Randall Bing suggested, “It’s always good to have a man who knows his way around Washington. There’s a lot of inside baseball and it takes a long time for a relative unknown to come up to speed.”

When asked, were he to win a second term, if he was contemplating any shake up in his cabinet, President Obama snapped, “well, there’s nothing wrong with changing the ducks in the shooting gallery once in a while. Some of these folks are pretty dinged up…and Romney’s making this “private sector” stuff look very attractive!”