At the time Governor Romney made his VP choice, 38% of Americans had never heard of Paul Ryan. This is a considerable improvement over the huge percentage of Americans who had no idea who Sarah Palin was at the time of her selection but much lower than the percentage of Americans who currently wish they had never heard of her.

Ryan is the architect of the Republican plan to kill Medicare but if there were any Democrats out there who thought that there was going to be a Republican who wasn’t planning to kill Medicare, they’d better hope that Medicare covers the extended stay in a mental health facility that’s going to be their next stop.

Now that the big announcement’s been made, the current speculation is whether Ryan will follow the “Palin Precedent.” Will he quit his job? Will there be a book tour? Does he have daughters and are they knocked up? Will he be booked on “Dancing With The Stars” this season, or next?

Palin thought it was great fun to put a bullet in an elk. Ryan catches giant catfish with his bare hands. What’s not to like?

Prior to signing what is said to be a seven figure record deal, Mr. Phelps admitted to a preference for vintage Judy Garland and Doris Day tunes. “I loved those gals, but it’s time to move on. Diddy is spending a lot of time working on my blackatude,” the gilled one enthused. He then broke into an a cappella rap rendition of “Over the Rainbow” followed by the Doris Day classic, “Secret Love.”

At this point Bob Costas’ eyes fluttered open and he sat bolt upright in bed. Sweating profusely he shook his head, “Gawd, that was the worse nightmare I’ve ever had, I may never sleep again!”

Responding to pounding on the door of his suite, Costas was faced with former swimming great Rowdy Gaines, “I heard screaming, what’s wrong Bob? Gaines was clearly concerned.

Costas, while obviously shaken, managed a smile, “Lets have a Dr. Pepper, I’m going to tell you about this dream I had.”

On a larger scale, the badminton teams from three countries were kicked out for sandbagging - intentionally trying to lose matches to gain a tactical advantage down the road. The only people who were more shocked by this than the people who didn’t know that badminton was an Olympic sport, were the people who didn’t know that badminton was a sport.

This statement is, of course, offensive to those nations where badminton is a big deal and the host country of Great Britain happens to be one of them. It seems that the guilty teams lack of effort was so transparent that blind corgis in the bleachers were booing. Obviously some countries have a lot to learn about being sneaky. Unfortunately, the countries that could give them some instruction in this area are sufficiently sneaky that we don’t know who they are.

In an act of contrition, the Chinese team and their coach apologized on Chinese television. In the spirit of forgiveness that the Chinese government is known for, team members have been allowed to keep their uniforms. In fact, officials are insisting that they wear them instead of HAZMAT suits in their new jobs cleaning up toxic waste sites.

An effort by Holms and Cruise to quell the media frenzy surrounding young Suri was, by Hollywood standards, an unacceptable episode of rational behavior. The parents reached a mutual agreement regarding the details of the divorce in a matter of days. This resulted in a tsunami of outraged opinion pieces by irate journalists who were forced to go back to covering, “news.” “Who the hell do these people think they are?” fumed one Hollywood columnist on assignment in New York. “The bartenders here are just now remembering my name.”

Having been offered massive amounts of cash for an interview by every sleazy facet of the media, Ms. Holms and Ms. Cruise reached out to The Tattler. “The Treetops Tattler has been Suri’s favorite for years” explained Ms. Holms. Little Suri came right to the point, “Fishhawk and Shoemaker are my peeps.” Thus we were granted an exclusive interview with the child at the center of the maelstrom.

Tattler: Suri, how do you feel about all the attention you’ve been getting?

Suri: At first, the crush of photographers and all the flashbulbs terrified me. Then I realized that they were just scuzzballs with the IQs of paramecium who were trying to cash in big by getting pictures of a child. This type of vermin panders to the lowest denominators of our culture... people with no lives of their own who live vicariously through the objects of their fantasies.

T: So what’s your favorite flavor ice cream?

S: Strawberry.

The question is, what’s up with this cynical flaw in the American character that has people thinking that it’s all about the money? What’s wrong with you? Do you actually think that the person with the most money will become President? You disgust me! This is a democracy. We had founding fathers and everything. They wrote a Constitution, a bill of rights and… what? Not the kind of bill you’re used to? More familiar with the other kind.

Don’t worry… some special interest group will be waving The Bill of Rights in your face soon enough, to justify some kind of extreme BS or another. But the point is that in a democracy the best man, a good and decent man with the best ideas and high moral fiber, will become president. What? Can’t find one to run? They’re out there somewhere... they just don’t have super PACs behind them.

The good news is that before long everyone in America will be part of a super PAC. Super PAC affiliation will replace voting as the way we choose people for office. No more trudging down to the polls, possibly crowded, possibly in bad weather, with flawed technology and hanging chads. All that will be a thing of the past. Just join the super PAC of your choice, get out your checkbook, write them a fat one, sit back in your easy chair, turn on the TV and watch the best man win.

What, no dough to spew into a super PAC? Well, be grateful that there are people with plenty of money who’ll do that for you. No, not “for you” in the sense that they’ll ask you who you want for this office and then donate to that candidate in your name. They’ll do it “for you” in the sense that they’ll throw their money at their candidate and buy his way into office. And of course, you should be grateful.

Thanks rich guys!