Several former beaus of mother Kris Kardashian are vehemently denying the possibility that they could have sired Khloe, citing the fact that by the time they were playing around with Kris, the child had already come in to the world. Hollywood insiders remain skeptical.

In a startling twist, MAD MAGAZINE mascot/coverboy, Alfred E. Newman, implied in an interview with Katie Couric, that he might have had something to do with it. His grin, his “What me worry?” attitude, and a strong resemblance to the youngest Kardashian daughter have reporters scouring back alleys and emptying garbage bins seeking DNA from the comedy icon.

A Kardashian family spokesman, Wayne Bing, volunteered that, “cashing in on a situation like this is easy... the trick is to get the optimum bang for your buck, no pun intended, heh heh.”

As of today, young Khloe has retained one of Los Angeles’ most prestigious private investigating firms to determine who, exactly, her mother might be. “There could be a few million in it,” declared the newly minted orphan.

Where, exactly, the object will come to earth cannot be calculated until approximately two hours before it arrives, but scientists say if everyone on earth is packed and ready to go, “those in the target area should have plenty of time to get out of Dodge.” This statement caused a lot of folks in Dodge to start packing and getting out… right quick.

When asked if there were any school children aboard the bus, Huh responded, “Fortunately the rocket carrying the bus was launched on a school holiday and all the students were in factories making knock-offs of American goods.”

In a prepared statement, White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney, explained that President Obama did not anticipate that the situation would create any strain in Sino-U.S. relations. He quoted the President. “Even if it does happen to hit Wyoming, the bus in question is an American made “Bluebird” school bus that has safely carried children in this country to school and home again for generations. As Americans, we’re proud that our Chinese friends have recognized the superior quality of this American made product.

In the meantime property values in Wyoming and Dodge are plummeting.

Following her triumphant turn as “Sheena Queen of the Jungle,” Streep responded to the barrage of criticism with typical British stoicism, “There’s an upcoming biopic on Reagan called “The First Zombie President,” I think Helen Mirren would be wonderful in the title role.”

This is a trend that the industry has called “too much medication” casting. Ever since Betty White played Dick Cheney in the “Rambo” remake, casting against type has become a popular but transparent device to garner Oscar nominations.

On our side of the pond audiences seemed more sanguine. “No one seemed to mind Julia Child being the French Chef,” commented Randall Bowlton, self described “tall jockey.” He went on, “and speaking of France, how about that guy Sarkozy casting Salma Hayek as a Chevalier in The Legion of Honor just for being smoking hot.”

Hayek is not the first actor to receive that honor; others include Clint Eastwood and Jerry Lewis, both less hot and neither of whom was considered for the Thatcher role.

The editorial staff at The Tattler feels strongly that Ms. Hayek is welcome to any award she wants and if she drops by the office, we’ll do our best to get it for her. The same goes for Margaret Thatcher and Meryl Streep. Clint and Jerry are welcome too. But we really think Salma would have been great as Thatcher.

Ron Paul – Accurately described as a “lawn gnome” by some, and the kind of a creature that might live under the base of a lawn gnome, by others.



Newt Gingrich – Speaking of lawn gnomes, actually Gingrich is more the troll under the bridge. And don’t forget Mrs. Troll-under-the-bridge, terrifying children in fairy tales for centuries.


John Huntsman – Promoted from invisible man to third place finisher, possibly a rational human being who fell in with a bad crowd.



And Mitt – His real first name is Willard but most Republicans think it’s Mitten. That says it all. However, he’s become extremely popular with other folks who enjoy firing people.



The question is, what will happen when the Republicans run out of first time frontrunners? Will they recycle?



Or then there’s Donald Trump and Sarah Palin. They’re both just there, kind of like that thing that lurked in your bedroom closet when you were a little kid. They’ve both questioned whether President Obama was born in the United States while some question whether either of them was spawned on planet Earth. Both have the kind of egos that would allow them to see themselves as off-white knights bursting upon the scene to save the Republican Party, and the country, from the elderly, the sick, the poor, the disadvantaged and other types of freeloaders out to pick the pockets of the righteous, folks with their own private jets, six homes and a dozen or so cars.



Someone has to do it.

With so many games to choose from, it’s never too soon to start looking at some guidelines to maximize next year's bowl experience for the avid fan.

In recent years it was safe to simply have a policy to not watch games involving teams with hideous records. But now, that would mean missing a lot of games and not putting the kind of dent in your couch that you had mentally committed to sometime before Thanksgiving.

A favorite standard around The Tattler has been to not watch games involving teams from schools we could have gotten in to. That gave you plenty of room for hours of viewing and edited out a few bottom-feeding institutions left over from the Viet Nam era when everyone was going to college to avoid the draft.

A new standard might be to not watch games involving teams from schools that the bad guys in those inbred-mutant-cannibal-chainsaw wielding slasher flicks could have gotten in to. This would allow you to edit out a couple snoozer games being played on rocky pastures in some third world corner of the dustbowl. Which would be the name of that game… and it would be sponsored by a chainsaw manufacturer, and…

Nevermind.

The important thing is to have some standards.