SAD wasn’t officially recognized until 1984. Before that you were just depressed. Of course now that it has a name, you’re still just depressed. Perhaps the fact that it now has a name somehow helps. Like when scientists have no idea what something is, they call it an “anomaly,” and that makes people think they know what they’re talking about…. but they don’t, that’s why they call it an anomaly.

When you’re depressed because it’s been dark and gloomy and cold for weeks on end cheer up, you have Seasonal Affective Disorder! Of course if you’re not depressed when it’s dark and gloomy for weeks on end, something else is wrong with you. Either that or you’ve gotten hold of something illegal… and wouldn’t it be nice if you shared?

If you live in the north, one way to combat SAD is, instead of being depressed, you could be ticked off at the people in Florida who have SAD. What in the metrological world do they have to be depressed about? Okay, hurricane season. But that’s not depression, that’s perfectly reasonable FEAR.

Your house, your dog, your stamp collection and that vintage Edsel you’ve spent years restoring are going to be blown out to sea. Don’t tell me you have SAD, you have common sense. GET OUT OF THERE!

The Tattler sincerely hopes this public service message has been of some help.

Cheer up.

The Vegas line on the Mayan feathered serpent god, Quetzalcoatl, not fancying the way the world has turned out and consuming it, are 2 to 1. Most touts consider this a sucker bet and suggest the real odds are one of those numbers you encounter when you start investigating string theory, a dot, forty pages of zeros, and then a one. So the hopeful are probably going to be in for another bleak year of frustration.

Several reporters here at The Tattler had looked forward to retiring from journalism and becoming back-up dancers for Brittany Spears…. more disenchantment, hence, this article.

Closely connected insiders say that after an evening of more excessive partying than usual, Callista Gingrich was deeply disappointed to wake up and find Newt next to her, and one of her hairs out of place. The hair was summarily executed.

On the other hand, hopes for the upcoming year include:

Kim Kardashian marrying as many men as it takes to find Mr. Right, and everyone is looking forward to Bruce Jenner turning up so they can stop using that wax statue for photo ops.

The 2012 election will mean that the GOP primary season and the endless debates involving fools and philanderers will be over. People are jumping out of their wheelchairs and doing back flips over that one.

Wall St. bankers and brokers have suggested that 2012 will be the year they welcome “occupiers” into their homes to share the wealth.

And those who believe the above will be giving Bernie Madoff all their money to invest for them.

Happy 2012!

For the star struck who might think fame is the answer:
IF YOU HAVE A CHOICE BETWEEN SEEING YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS AND SEEING YOUR NAME ON A CHECK… The council added that this is true even if the check is issued by an institute for the criminally insane where you’ve been employed to do custodial work.

And for those who have accepted all along that:
IF IT LOOKS LIKE A DUCK, WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK… IT’S A DUCK. The council warns that it could easily be a DEA agent in a duck suit snooping around after your medical marijuana.

The full report will be released next week and the Council urges all Americans to study it thoroughly. Council Chairman Wayne Bing also admonished, “anchors on local newscasts and talk radio pundits,” to be particularly studious. “For them,” he cautioned, “the wisdom bar is usually set low enough for a snake to trip over.”

In closing he added, “SOMEDAYS YOU’RE THE BUG AND SOMEDAYS YOU’RE THE WINDSHIELD has remained unchanged, as neither option struck us as being particularly pleasant. But on the upside, due to the current state of the economy, A BIRD IN HAND is now worth THREE IN THE BUSH!”

Kim’s hand picked successor is youngest son Kim Jong Ick. Speculation abounds as to why the youngest of his brood was selected to run the fifth-world nation after the senior Kim’s death, but insiders tell of a family competition to see who could get a worse haircut than their dad. Ick was the hands down winner, and nobody can dispute that. The young Kim will be known as “Adored Twerpy Kid Son Of Beloved Nutjob Ruler.”

The White House response to Kim’s death has been politically correct, allowing counties in the region to shape their own responses and expecting China, who practically owns North Korea along with every other nation in that part of the world and the United States, to help navigate the new regime.

Several GOP candidates were asked for their take on this turn of events. Newt Gingrich seemed baffled that we can get our shorts in a bunch over Iran possibly developing a nuclear device when the crazies in North Korea already have one. “It doesn’t make sense, we should have invaded them long ago.” Some smart aleck from the New York Times mentioned something about the “Korean War” and that was the end of that interview.

Governor Rick Perry asked if North Korea was anywhere near the Alamo and Mitt Romney suggested that his campaign might make a swing through North Korea. “If I can only point out to them how well North Dakota gets along with South Dakota it might be a game changer.

Sentenced to fourteen years for trying to sell President Obama’s senate seat, Blago (as he has come to be known to his fans) will probably serve twelve. “I feel that my time in prison will afford me an opportunity to be exposed to a better class of people…compared to the types one meets in Illinois politics.”

Clearly a “glass half full” kind of guy, Blago went on, “I think I’d like to get into show business when I get out, maybe acting. Since acting is basically lying, I’m thinking that in twelve years I can get in a lot of practice. I plan on offering my fellow inmates a lot of patronage positions while I’m doing my time.” He chortled, “I’m looking at this as a twelve year run of HELP, I’M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE, only I won’t have to be around the lowlife jerks that were on that show.”

Looking towards his immediate future the ex-governor waxed optimistic, “The first thing I’m going to do once I start my sentence is to hold a GOP presidential debate. The candidates won’t have to worry about me getting into the race if I don’t like what they have to say. Probably.”