She wrote: “No,” I exclaimed from the back seat. “That’s not the spirit of giving. “You can only really give when you give something you own. They’re giving away their parents’ things…it’s not theirs to give.”

Stupid parents.

The expert went on to say that in giving away holiday lemonade, the offending pre-teens had ignored the rules of economics. Their behavior, roared the headline, summed up “what’s wrong with the U.S.”

Hard to argue with logic, once you ignore the BP oil gusher and the meltdown of the financial services industry. Those boys and girls didn’t give anything away, except the ranch.

And here at the Tattler, we’re a little confused because we read this column on the Internet and we didn’t pay anything for it.

There’s no free lemonade, Terry. Or is there?

“Seems like we’re heading toward rock bottom and it doesn’t look good on us,” said Dr. Whoopi Cushion, an authority on stupidity at the U.S. Commerce Department.

“We live in a time when millions of people believe that watching people lose weight on TV is entertaining. They spend hours watching suburban women stumbling around in cocktail dresses, spilling their Pinot Grigio. The weenie gorging contest is a bigger 4th of July story than, well, the 4th of July.”

Dr. Cushion points out that not that long ago our parents were entertained by Ed Sullivan and Nat King Cole.

“Jeez, people used to watch “Cheers” and “Hill Street Blues,” she said. “They used to talk about ‘Jeopardy,’ not about some gasbag cook throwing food in his students’ faces.”

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, the Lindsey Lohan trial continues…

“Not sure how the courts will deal with this,” said Sam Quentin, Senior Partner at Stalling, Whinging and Griper. “The rights of flying creatures in the American criminal justice system have never been, um, flight tested.”

Pete is basing his lawsuit on a conversation he overheard in Grand Isle, La., as he watched a number of humans consume French fries at the pier.

“They said the company’s emergency plan for an explosion was not to have an explosion,” Pete told the Tattler. “My brain is no bigger than a clam, but that doesn’t sound completely responsible, does it?”

Pete said he and his family are coping with the disaster and that the other day one of his sons had suggested he look on the bright side.

“Nobody seems to have any answers but at least we’re not being put into FEMA trailers,” Pete said.

“One of the problems with online auctions is that in most cases you are offering people old snow shovels or schoolbooks from economics class or dusty fondue pots,” he said.

“You’re not allowed to sell alcohol or guns or passports or human body parts. This could really open things up for the category.”

McLottery contends that if you’re a family with annoying Uncle Ed sleeping on the couch, or a 33-year-old son still bunking in the room above the garage, or a mother-in-law who came in from Boca Raton to stay, the “Crouch End approach might be for you.

“Think of it as kind of public service,” he said.

“We don’t really think that’s a great plan, but a pelican could do that,” he said.

Pete said he considered trying to get himself named CEO of the oil company responsible for the disaster in the Gulf:

“What does that guy do? Come to Washington, pretend to answer questions from some other guys in suits, and then sail away on his yacht. Sweet. Do they have pelicans in England? How do I get that job?”

The pelican community in the Gulf Coast is highly motivated but Pete acknowledges a lack of familiarity with the political process.

“We’ve never raised any money,” Pete said. “We’re pelicans. But we got the name – we’re running on the BP ticket. That stands for Big Pelican.”