Pentagon officials took exception to the notion that U.S. troops like being blown up in a country that looks like a time trip back to the stone age. "This place makes Baghdad look like Disney World," commented a high-ranking officer. "However, many of us think President Obama would do very well in the Taliban. He's notoriously bloodthirsty, he loves "offing", "capping" and "clipping" people, and just the other day I couldn’t help but notice he ordered a manatee steak for dinner… the man is cruel. Of course, no one wants to be the person to tell Michelle that she’s wearing a burka from now on!"

White House press secretary Jay Carney presented the official response to the Obama/Taliban dust up. "Karzai’s a massive dick and it will be the happiest day of President Obama’s life when the last American soldier is out of that rathole!"

 Agent Rodman received a call from his superiors in an exploding phone booth in January. Rodman escaped injury but sadly, several homeless people who were napping in the vicinity were lost.

 Rodman was clearly told that if the mission were to take a nosedive, the State Department would disavow all knowledge of the operation. In a prescient bit of strategizing, the State Department went ahead and disavowed Rodmen before the plane carrying him and several members of the Harlem Globetrotters left the tarmac.

 The mission started off well enough with the Globetrotters participating in an exhibition match in Pyongyang. Seated next to Rodmen, the young leader seemed to fully enjoy the contest that was played to a diplomatic draw.

 It was in a pickup game following the match where trouble began. Sources claim that “more than one” personal foul occurred during the game, all involving Rodman and Un. When reached for comment Rodman snapped, “No way I was going to let that guy shoot from outside.”

 The U.N. has invoked sanctions against North Korea and is considering similar actions against Rodman.

 Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) commented, “Now that we’ve agreed on this, the path is clear for us to do absolutely nothing for the foreseeable future.” Minority Leader Mitch McConnell added, “With no expectations, there’ll be no disappointment… I don’t know why we didn’t think of this long ago!”

 With it being clear that there’s no chance in hell of anything getting done, the sentiment on “The Hill” is lawmakers won’t have to waste so much time in Washington. “It’s been a long hard winter,” complained Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) “I think we’re all ready for a few months on a beach.” Staffers from both parties are being given forwarding addresses so Senators and Representatives will receive their paychecks with a minimum delay. One Senator who demanded anonymity huffed, “You know the damned Postal Service! I want to be on that beach with my paycheck in one hand and a Mai Tai in the other.”

 Capital Hill lobbyists are said to be concerned about a dearth of lawmakers to take to dinner and bribe. Leonard Charles, considered by many to be perhaps the “greatest sleaze ball lobbyist of modern times” whined, “My clients expect an expense account padded to the limit each and every month. What am I going to do with these bums out of town all the time?”

 In a man on the street interview outside the Old Senate Office Building, Wayne Bowlton, a pipe fitter from Putney, Vermont, indicated that he felt the whole thing was a pretty good idea. “It’s like that doctor’s saying… above all, do not harm. It seems to me the less they do, the less damage they can inflict on the American people.”

 The scary thing is that a Wikipedia search of Mr. Tito tells us that he, himself is married, and yet he still thinks this couple thing is a good idea. Bravo… and I mean it. But there’s almost nothing on Mrs. Tito to be found on the Internet, so you can take that ball and run with it in any direction you wish.

 The journey will purportedly take 501 days and is characterized as a “high risk” mission. The risks are deep space radiation, missing a small “keyhole” near Mars and zooming off into infinity and vaporizing in the highest reentry speed ever attempted. There are lots of married people who’d gladly risk all that just to get away from their spouse, but together? Right now I’m mentally writing the dialogue for the “you left the seat up again” snit occurring half way to Mars with a long, long way to go.

 The upside of sending a married couple to Mars in 2018 is that it will give me plenty of time to go to law school. I’m already beginning to overcome my (everyone’s) natural aversion to that profession. Naturally, I’ll specialize in divorce law and I want a piece of this one so bad I can taste it.

I feel that I have a pretty good plan here with one ridiculously horrible downside… if the married couple sent aloft were fellow jillionaires and probably pals of Tito, Mr. and Mrs. Donald Trump.

 There are some things you don’t want to touch no matter how many pairs of gloves you put on.