Jackson has admitted to the misuse of campaign funds, and will also be pleading guilty to a number of “bells and whistles” crimes usually associated with that sort of misdeed.

 Climbing the courthouse steps, while clearly contrite, Jackson looked natty wearing a mink cape and a pink fedora once belonging to Michael Jackson (no relation).

 Many have observed that Congressman Jackson’s lifestyle might be better suited to Neverland Ranch than the House of Representatives. Jackson commented that, “Mikey had all kinds of “stuff” and no one minded.”

 A frequent shopper at Costco and Best Buy, when asked about diverting $750,000 in campaign funds for his personal use, Jackson quipped, “my homies would have wanted me to have all this “stuff,” sometimes I let them try on my “Mikey” hat.”

 Having easily won re-election despite the political turmoil, Jackson can now look forward to 4-5 years in prison instead of finishing his term in the house.

 Jackson is said to be hoping to keep his “Mikey” hat.

 For the attorneys, many of whom were veterans of the “Costa Concordia” disaster, there was blood in the water. “Life is pretty sweet on Isola del Giglio, damn I love Italian food, this one’s going to be rough,” lamented one attorney who wouldn’t give his name.

 While dozens of lawyers in three piece-suites circled the vessel on jet skis, others parachuted onto the deck of the disabled luxury liner; all hoping to get first crack at the most disgruntled vacationers.

 We found W. T. Heck, a lawyer from Aspen, Colorado smoking a cigar and relaxing on a bench on the dock. “I already bagged fourteen, I’m taking a little break before I get back in there.” He continued, “as the disaster began to unfold word spread like wildfire in the legal community.” Heck described a mad scramble of lawyers scooping up airline tickets and banding together to charter busses to get the to the port in Mobile.

 “We put thirty lawyers on a bus designed to carry sixty human beings, it was pretty tight. Once the bus was finally loaded, we began a nightmarish two-day trip to Alabama. It was like being in hell. With only three meal stops per day, hunger was a real problem and some of those restaurants were pretty bad. Then there was the time we ran out of champagne….”

While the scientific community is expressing grave concern, a statement has been released suggesting that the country with the most to fear from the risky tests in North Korea is… North Korea. “It’s like a blind kid with a cherry bomb,” stated Wayne Bing, spokesman for the international watchdog group, IWG.

Back in the States, National Rifle Association spokesman Wayne LaPierre decreed that North Korea was well within its Second Amendment rights to “blow up whatever it damn well pleases.” He went on, “They can have clips holding as many warheads as they want and absolutely will not need to be subjected to background checks.” LaPierre also pledged that the NRA would rally every member of Congress it owns (a whole lot of them) to fight for North Korea’s rights. “We’re sending a delegation from Washington to Pyongyang with cake and ice cream to help Un celebrate.”

It’s rumored that LaPierre is courting the young despot in hopes that he’ll agree to appear in a series of NRA ads promoting gun violence. “Every cause needs a “face,” and we feel a wholesome boy like Un is just the ticket to encourage American youth to buy guns, shoot stuff, and blow things up.”

LaPierre concluded, “The more we Americans can become enlightened like North Korea, the better!”

I know that hackers are supposed to be smarter than the rest of us but I’m beginning to wonder. Why would anyone hack The New York Times? The “Times” is a news organization whose function, by definition, is to disseminate information. If I want to know that The New York Times knows, you know what I do? I go down to the newsstand and buy a copy. There it is, in my hands. Wasn’t that easy? Now the “Times” probably has a lot of information kicking around that it doesn’t print. The reason they don’t print a lot of that is because they’re not sure it’s true. So, you can hack the “Times” to get into the files of stuff they don’t print because they can’t verify it, but why bother? If you want a bunch of untrue BS why not just make up your own... why go to the trouble of stealing the “Times” untrue BS?

And why, why on God’s green earth, would ANYONE want to steal the Bush family’s private emails and photographs? If the hackers think they can sell that stuff, I know one person that ain’t buying.

Unless, and here’s where it begins to come together. Future CIA director Brennan wants to replace waterboard torture with subjecting terrorists to the Bush emails and family photographs. Thus inflicting a punishment so cruel and unusual that the most hardened evildoer can’t withstand it.

And the drones? They’ll be dropping this Bush family material into al Qaeda strongholds until they’re on their knees.

Talk about man’s inhumanity to man.

The Superbowl, strictly speaking, is no kind of holiday at all, it’s BIGGER than a holiday. And while it’s the same as Valentine’s Day in that nobody gets the day off, 60% of Americans take the Monday after the Superbowl off anyway, and it’s mandatory that bookies take the Tuesday after the Superbowl off.

In the USA all holidays are commercialized big time, particularly the religious ones that shouldn’t be commercialized at all. Bars and bookies clean up on the Superbowl. If people who make hot chicken wings can be considered a demographic, they clean up too. Valentine’s Day however is a huge boondoggle for florists, the candy people, jewelers and restaurants.

Gamblers find an almost infinite amount of things to wager on in the Superbowl, from the coin toss to the final score and a whole lot in between. What about Valentine’s Day? What to bet on? The lack of wagering opportunities on Valentine’s Day is a sad thing for bookies, especially since men, the prime gamblers on the Superbowl are throwing so much dough around trying to impress their beloved, or just not get into deep trouble, on Valentine’s Day. Well, there is one thing that comes to mind that could be wagered on during the course of Valentine’s Day, or that night, but it probably can’t be discussed in a family newspaper, and would be difficult to independently verify.

But we want to offer you guys all the luck in the world.