I’d be willing to bet a lot that the packet of dough that those rolls are made out of is exactly the same every time, portion controlled. But since the rolls are made out of something called “bread,” they’re not going to be the same size every time. You know, atmospheric conditions, small variations in oven temperature, time in the oven, etc. If Subway sandwiches were made out of 2x4’s they could be exactly 12 inches every time, but less chewable.

So, while I believe I know the answer to the winter question, I also know something about Subway 12 inch subs.

I know that I eat the first half right away and save the other half for lunch the next day. The first day the lettuce is crisp and the roll fluffy. By the next day the sauce I’ve chosen has rendered the lettuce flaccid and the roll more than a little bit mushy. In other words, my sub is halfway to becoming soup. By day 2 the length of the second half of my 12 inch sub is utterly irrelevant.

And if one should be so foolish as to wait for day three, your yummy sub has morphed into something industry professionals call “cream of walk-in,” a place you really don’t want to go.

So the question is….do you think it would be possible to market a submarine sandwich that is a full 12 inches long and made out of groundhog, and possibly 2x4’s?

This year the Golden Globes presented a “Lifetime Achievement” award to Jodie Foster. Foster is a fine actress and the award was richly deserved. That’s why it was a little surprising when Foster had an apparent mental block during her acceptance speech and couldn’t for the life of her remember the word “lesbian.” I’m sure it popped into her head as soon as she was off stage and she was kicking herself.

The granddaddy of them all, the “Oscars,” don’t seem to have changed much over time. The women show as much flesh as they can get away with and the men look like they were just peeled off an ironing board.

One thing that has changed in the last couple years is that the Academy has increased the number of films nominated for “best picture.” The nomination represents a huge coup in free advertising and potentially untold millions in revenues. So it makes sense.

And the whole thing is ok because it’s “best picture” and not… “very good movie…” there’s a difference. In any given year every single movie produced could be pretty rotten, but out of all those crummy movies one can still be the best. Hence, “Best Picture,” out of a bunch of turkeys.

Remember that.

The price of admission, a bucket of popcorn and a coke costs you about what you paid for your first car.

In the meantime we can all wait for the “Really Good Movie” awards.

As far as I’m concerned, just because some folks in the Whitehouse don’t think this "supercoin" thing is a good idea doesn’t mean it really is a bad idea. A whole lot of truly putrid ideas have come out of the Whitehouse throughout history and it wouldn’t be too difficult to make an argument suggesting these guys don’t know a good idea from a rotten one.

With that in mind, I’ve decided that I’m going to mint my own trillion-dollar coin. And being a good American, I’m going to offer it to the government for half price…talk about your savings! Just between you and me, I actually have some wiggle room on my 500 billion dollar price for the coin but we have to keep that between us.

So as of this writing, I’m designing the coin... something with bunnies, rainbows and unicorns I think, and am looking forward to the thanks of a grateful nation for solving our fiscal crisis. I’m also doing the math on how many lottery tickets 500 billion (maybe a little less) can buy.

You’re welcome.

One of the great things about Tobe Hooper’s creation is that there are infinite ways of spinning the basic premise. There are plenty of slasher films that don’t even have the word “chainsaw” in the title, but have some unpleasant fellow wielding a chainsaw as a character in the film. And it doesn’t have to be a chainsaw. The Hooper film opened up an entire hardware store full of power tool possibilities. In a serious film called “The Wrestler” one combatant actually used a staple gun on the protagonist. Of course that’s sissy stuff compared to all the saws and drills out there that can do a lot more damage, anyway, they’re all Tobe’s children.

Another staple (ha, ha) of the genre is the nubile co-ed wearing as next to nothing as the rating system will allow. Now when I say co-ed that suggests that the young lady is a college student. If you’ve seen any of these movies I’m sure you’ve noticed that some of the choices these girls make aren’t great examples of college thinking. There are probably single celled animals with better self-preservation skills. The important thing is to somehow get the gals down to a skimpy bathing suit, or bra and panties as quickly as possible regardless of location or weather conditions.

Scene 12: somewhere near the North Pole – Young woman in string bikini being stalked among icebergs by deranged Eskimo with chainsaw.

Not to say that I’m complaining.

But I do have one problem. In the trailer for this latest film the bad guy is sawing his way through a chain link fence, metal piping and all. If I took my chainsaw to a chain link fence the chain would instantly be so dull that I couldn’t groom my dog with it. Maybe I could use it to shine my shoes. Where does this guy get his chains? I want one.

The best news is that the new movie is in 3D…..SPLAT!