Ms. Leonard went on, “all women are sisters and for someone like that vile Kelly woman (the recipient of Ms. Broadwell’s unpleasant emails) to be, maybe, trying to steal another woman’s man, Paula’s man, Hmmm… oh well, never mind, whatever. I’d still be happy to punch that scheming vixen into the next time zone for sister Paula.

Jill Kelly, a Tampa area socialite, who was apparently of the opinion that the US military and the FBI were working for her, stated, “I didn’t do anything that entitled, wealthy women haven’t been doing forever. It was, is, and forever will be about ME!””

The only thing more disturbing than the female penchant for irrational behavior is the male penchant for irrational behavior. Particularly when one considers the fact that the female’s irrational behavior is usually a response to some male’s irrational behavior.
Randy Bowlton, Director of the Institute For Social Research, commented. “Two-bit philanderers come from all walks of life. Except when you’re a general and you get to be a four-bit philanderer. Elected officials are one bit philanderers. Which maths out to twelve and a half cents.”

In a post election interview House Speaker John Boehner and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell vowed to do everything in their power to prevent President Obama from being elected to a third term. “We’ve got four years to strategize, I think we can get it right this time,” Boehner pledged. McConnell added, “it’s true that the Koch brothers weren’t able to buy the Presidency in 2012 and they’re very disappointed, but they’ll be back. They’ve learned a lot and starting today they’re buying the 2016 election on the layaway plan. A few hundred million every month for the next four years and by Election Day it will just be a matter of gift-wrapping the thing.

When Hilary Clinton was enlightened as to the Republican’s newest tactic she commented, “I hope it ends up being Jeb Bush! I want to bitch slap that twerp so bad.” Later she indicated that she’d be thrilled to bitch slap whomever they throw at her, “and if those Koch boys would like to come around in person...”

Boehner and McConnell claimed that they weren’t worried about Clinton’s storied martial arts skills. Boehner explained, “The Republican party will spend the next four years broadening its voter base. Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck have been cruising Central Park hand in hand in the hope of attracting “alternate lifestyle” voters, and Mitch and I have both started taking birth control pills.”

“It’s the gators! Not just gators and crocks, but every creature that’s ever been flushed down New York City toilets, breeding beneath the streets. These critters have now been flushed out by the storm and are on street level looking for a meal.” Our source went on to say that it became clear to the Mayor that while storm victims are hunkered down waiting for aid, hundreds of lean muscular runners streaming through the boroughs of New York would have represented a moveable feast for the hungry predators. “We’ve had reports of great whites, albino crocks, up to thirty feet long. Try to out run that sucka!” Nervously looking over his shoulder he continued, “And the snakes! They’ve had an unlimited supply of sewer rats to feed on all their lives and have grown to unnatural sizes. The city is a much more pleasant place for these animals to live and breed than their natural habitats.”

This is clearly not the sort of news the mayor wants made public but there are folks within his administration who feel people have a right to know.

“We’ve contracted with alligator hunters from several reality shows based in the south and we can only hope they work fast and don’t draw too much attention to themselves. We’ve strictly forbidden them from having gator BBQ’s in Central Park.”

The city has also commissioned Mario Batali, the chef famous for using exotic ingredients, to create recipes using the critters. “We figure if we can create a demand among Mario’s food snob fans it will completely reverse the predator/prey dynamic and the monsters won’t stand a chance.”

Ironically, the effect the storm of bulls**t had was the opposite effect of what the candidates had hoped for. High winds, rain and snow forced early voting polls to close so that befuddled voters who had actually believed the sputum inflicted on them during the course of this year’s campaign were unable to cast ballots, thus giving them extra time to sort through the storm surge of half truths and misrepresentations.

Leaders from both parties lamented that early voting was becoming increasingly important every election cycle, and for the polls to be closed put everyone at a disadvantage. “They hope that anxiety ridden voters will go out and vote for just anybody in a fit of frustration, thus leveling the playing field. Simply getting it over with being the prime motivation.

I think both sides are terrified of a truly informed electorate,” explained Randall Bowlton of the Voter Research Bureau. Bowlton went on, “the Bureau is suggesting that in the future ballots have a space following the traditional “OTHER” with a space to write in someone not on the ballot, with “ABSOLUTLY ANYONE ELSE” for those not pleased with the choices presented on the ballot but no idea of who to write in.

This would also negate the advantage for candidates who legally change their names to “OTHER” just before the election.

Further studies on this subject, made by the Republican National Committee, have concluded that the absolute safest place for Rover is the roof of the vehicle. RNC Chairman Reince Priebus noted. “A simple ski rack or, if you want pooch to go first class, a Thule baggage carrier is really all you need to insure your pet’s safety and comfort.”

If the pet owner is using a ski rack, special doggie ski boots can be purchased that will fit most safety bindings to guarantee a pleasurable travel experience for your pet and quick release following most crashes.

For those opting for the baggage carrier, drilling ventilation holes is recommended.
The RNC’s chief researcher couldn’t be reached for comment due to campaign obligations.