Cheers went up among the White House press corps as Vice President Biden high-fived The Situation, who was prominent among dignitaries in attendance. Mr. Situation then turned and embraced someone named Snooky who, it was announced, would replace the retiring Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State, should Mr. Obama win re-election.

In a post press conference bash held at the Smithsonian Institute’s I LOVE LUCY pavilion, attendee Donald Trump gushed, “I’m going to extend a personal invitation to President Obama to compete on “Celebrity Apprentice. Given his experience I believe he’d do very, very well.”

“Dancing With the Stars” co-host Tom Bergeron commented that today’s announcement; “would leave the door wide open” for Supreme Court Justices and Cabinet members to compete on the hit ABC show. “Finally a few Americans would know who these people are!”

Writers Guild President, Tracy Winding, stated that, “TV writers all over the country are extremely excited about scripting the lives of each and every American….you didn’t think that stuff was spontaneous did you?”

The first lady indicated that she wouldn’t be averse to “kicking some ass” on “Survivor.”

The latest NBC News/Wall St. Journal poll indicated that President Obama’s approval rating has skyrocketed to an astounding 87% virtually assuring him re-election.

This doesn’t get any easier.” Along with the innovative “Getting Up In The Morning” fee there will also be a $200 per month, “Going To Bed At Night” surcharge. “And in the spirit of fair play,” Irish continued, “and acknowledging the fact that some of our valued customers work odd hours,” some institutions have instituted a “Third Shift” fee of $500 a month. “For the selfish bastards that go to bed in the morning and get up at night in a transparent effort to avoid paying perfectly reasonable fees.”

“In banking news that will be of interest to our non-cardholding customers,” Irish continued. “And to keep pace with retailers that have re-introduced the “layaway plan” that was popular with consumers before the credit card era. Bank of America will now be offering a layaway plan for your money.”

While it is widely believed that the rebirth of the layaway plan is a response to outlandish credit card fees, Irish seemed unfazed.
“Bank of America will now lay away your money for a fair percentage of the monies laid away. When a goal figure is met, Bank of America will then let you have some of your money back for a small fee. This will be a wonderful way for Americans to manage all their excess money with distant hope that they may see some of it again someday. God bless America, come on down!”

At that point loudspeakers began to blare the Beatles vintage hit “Taxman” while Irish, chuckling, beamed at the crowd and moonwalked off the stage.

This leaves a vacuum, a question mark, if you will, as to who the craziest person in the world to be running a country might be.” Lohan went on, “I don’t want Kim Jong Il to walk away with this one. America is the greatest nation ever and I believe that my election would really give us a shot.”

Lohan refused to comment when asked if she was hoping that, if elected, her time in the White House would count against her court mandated community service. According to the most recent ruling in response to Lohan’s “borrowing” of a “Blue Angels” FA-18 fighter jet, and subsequent drunken joyride around the tarmac of San Luis Obispo’s Vandenberg Air force Base, even if she were to be a two term president, Lohan would still be dishing up soup at a Malibu homeless shelter till the year 2057.

Reactions from the current field of hopeful candidates was mixed. While former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, asked “if Miss Lohan was dating anyone,” Governors Romney and Perry were hoping for a rational voice in future debates. Representative Michele Bachman quipped that it “would be nice to have a girlfriend on the campaign trail to party with,” and, “who is this Qaddafi guy?” Press Secretary, Jay Carney, described the White House response to Lohan’s announcement as, “baffled.”

In a brief appearance in the Rose Garden, President Obama and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, agreed that Ahmadinejad was, indeed, a #@%&bag and then made some kind of “pot, kettle, black,” analogy in regard to the Koch brothers.

When the GOP field of presidential hopeful frontrunners was polled, Herman Cain suggested that Tehran would be fertile ground for pizza franchises. Rep. Michele Bachman pointed out that if you turned the name Ahmadinejad upside down it turned into the number 666, “and you all know what that means.”

Governor Mitt Romney stated that the economy has affected everyone, “crazy people too!” And that even rich people could be unemployed, “Look, I’m worth 200 million dollars and I’m unemployed.” When asked what that had to do with Iran and Ahmadinejad, Romney admitted he didn’t know.

Texas Governor Rick Perry deferred comment to his spiritual advisor Pastor Rick Jefferies. Jefferies stated, “Iran isn’t a religion, it’s a cult. They have their own bible and everything.”

Former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, mulled over what the heck his wife has been putting on her hair.

In a statement choked with emotion, the president of the NYSE announced that the stock exchange would be closed until further notice, while emissaries from the Vatican, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and some crackpot cult from Southern California converge on lower Manhattan to investigate the miracle.

Those who were present say they experienced an epiphany unlike anything since Gordon Gekko pronounced, “Greed is Good.” In other markets bagel futures soared.
While the Pope is reserving comment on the miracle, English muffins have replaced bagels on the Vatican breakfast menu.

Throngs have crowded into St. Peter's Square demanding a fast track to sainthood for Lay. Veteran Vatican watchers speculate that it is unlikely that we’ll see a “Saint Kenneth the Misunderstood” in the very near future, but they’re optimistic about his chances in the longer haul. “First the investigation, then the canonization,” commented one unidentified cleric. “I’m calling Vegas as soon as I get out of here and putting my money on 2015.”