By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 13th, 2011

The Treetops Avian Preservation Society (TAPS) has declared an official boycott of the state of Arkansas – and maybe Louisiana – in the aftermath of some very bad news for the bird community.

On New Year’s Eve, more than 5000 red-winged blackbirds expired in a shocking and downright weird incident that has yet to be explained by the authorities.

“Speaking for the avian population of Treetops, we’re planning on giving the Razorback State a miss,” said TAPS Executive Director Tallulah Tanager.

“And a few days after Arkansas another 500 blackbirds wound up deceased on the Morganza Highway in Louisiana. At the very least we think that shows carelessness.” continued »

Local bird activists noted that the avian world has not too thrilled with Louisiana (aka the “Pelican State”) since the BP oil disaster turned hundreds of miles of the Gulf of Mexico into your basic sticky, stinking morass.

“As for Arkansas, we love the Clintons but the more we learn the worse it gets,” Tanager told the Tattler.

“For example, we have seen reports that Arkansas claims to be the ‘duck hunting capital’ of the United States and for us that’s just one more reason to avoid the place. Especially when we’re flying.”

Tanager complained of news reports that speculated the blackbirds were “disoriented” by fireworks and flew into one another.

“That’s classic,” she said. “There are 200 million blackbirds in our country and they’ve been around longer than bottle rockets. The cover up continues…”

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Rating: 2.6/5 (134 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 6th, 2011

A reported 15 percent of incoming Members of Congress say they’ll be saving the taxpayers a big chunk of change starting this month by sleeping in their government offices.

That’s right, grown men and women being paid $174,000 and up a year will bunk in the office and wash up down the hall when the 112th Congress is in session, skipping the opportunity to rent, say, a studio apartment near their place of work. Like a normal person.

“I’m here on a temporary basis so I don’t need a permanent residence,” said one new Member from the great state of Nevada, apparently unfamiliar with the concept of renting.

New Members appear to believe that living like drunken frat boys and showering in the (free) House of Representatives gym, health club and “wellness center” will play well with the folks back home. continued »

“This group is different,” said Congressional spending critic and talk-radio host Hiram Squatter. “They’re not here for the perks like those professional politicians.”

Asked to identify the perks, Squatter acknowledged that Members of Congress get free parking on Capitol Hill and at airports in the Washington, D.C. area, subsidized daycare for children, use of the House gym (lots of treadmills with TVs attached) and free postage for official mailings.

“OK,” he said, “there’s the health, dental and vision plan where the government pays 70 percent of the tab. And the foreign fact-finding trips are done on military aircraft, so no one ever actually sees a bill. But, hey, they’re sleeping in the office.”

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Rating: 2.7/5 (143 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 3rd, 2011

For our faithful “Tattler” readership and all you news junkies out there, here’s an early look at some of the big stories we’ll be tracking for you in 2011:

Is Harry Potter really gone? Seriously. We think he’s gone for good but will he be back with a new sidekick and a creepier villain? Or maybe he and Hermione will open a chain of Hogwarts’ barbecue joints.

Isn’t it about time the First Pooch down there in Washington, D.C. started a family? Hello. What’s with Bo? We’re watching, big fella.

Could we be looking at an Airport Security Scanner TV network? They say it could never happen but, hey, all those videos and images are somewhere. We hear Tuesday nights at 10, and nonstop on the Internet. continued »

How many Palins will be in Alaska a year from now? Bristol just bought a house in Arizona. Her Mom, Sarah, is spending a lot of time on the road. Just sayin’.

How is wrinkly 84-year-old magazine entrepreneur Hugh Hefner’s engagement to his 24-year-old lady friend working out?

What the heck is Larry King going to do? And what about those four old guys in the TV commercial who have been to every Super Bowl? Will they make it? Do you care?

Will President Obama’s mother-in-law finally get out of the White House and go home to Chicago?

The 150th anniversary of the start of the Civil War will be noted in 2011. Will it start over?

Stay with the “Tattler.” We’ll be there.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (133 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 1st, 2011

It’s that “giving” time of year, again: the time we finally give up and come clean.

In our storied existence as a news source, we have issued damn-near libelous exposes on (for starters...) Rush Limbaugh, American frat boys, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, White House canine-in-chief Bo, little girls who run lemonade stands in their spare time, and the esteemed Dr. Santa Claus.

As a regrettable result, the staff here at The Treetops Tattler has been handed a cease and desist order from the International Criminal Court, pending a comprehensive review of our nefarious hooliganisms by a team of international observers. continued »

Because of this, we will be halting production on Tattler dispatches in order to sort out this legal mess. We realize that if we do this, we run the risk of losing advertisers and subscription revenue, thus endangering our ability to pay for our own utilities, sustenance, valet parking, Blockbuster Video privileges, and boat mortgages. However, failure to comply with the ICC order might mean we’d have some Rush Limbaugh-waged talk radio jihad on our hands...

We have, alas, arrived at the damned-if-you-don’t/damned-if-you-do intersection of circumstances: a “Catch Twenty-Shoe,” if you will.
We apologize to all our loyal, casehardened readers for this sudden New Year’s resolution-of-legal-conflict. On the other hand, long weekend for us!

Happy New Year!

– All of us here at TTT

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Dec. 28th, 2010

Folks in Treetops are pretty excited about the upcoming pro football playoffs. But with so many teams and so many games, it’s hard to keep track of which teams will be hanging around as we move toward Super Bowl XXXLXLCIII in Dallas sometime next year.

So we’ve asked semi-retired Reno handicapper and part-time limousine driver Nathan Nathan Detroit to walk our readers through the 2010 NFL playoff possibilities:

“Well, as you may know, Atlanta has cinched a playoff berth, as we like to say. The Washington Redskins and the Dallas Cowboys have been eliminated from playoff contention, as we like to say, mostly because they just aren’t very good.

“Folks, with the regular season winding down it gets complicated. Some teams are on the bubble, as we like to say. continued »

“If Houston loses to somebody, the Chargers win on the road and the airport in Cleveland is closed over New Year’s Eve, well, they’re out. I think. Unless Brett Favre comes back.

“The New York Giants and the Indianapolis Colts are in the hunt, as we like to say, but a new NFL rule that says that only one member of the Manning family can be in the Super Bowl has the whole thing up for grabs, as we like to say.

“Oakland, Buffalo, Denver and Carolina could still wind up in the playoffs. And I could wind up as a swimsuit model with a beach house in Malibu, but it doesn’t seem likely.

“Hope that clears it up.”

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Rating: 2.5/5 (130 votes cast)