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Treetops Tattler Archives |
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A Shark With an Agenda?
By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, Apr. 4th, 2011
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We hadn’t heard from our old pal Plaquemines Pete in quite some time.
Constant readers of the Tattler will recall that Pete is the mightily annoyed brown pelican who wanted to sue the governor of Louisiana, or maybe Mississippi, over the BP oil deluge in the Gulf of Mexico last year.
From his perch on a pier near Venice, La., Pete eventually gave up on the lawsuits and considered moving his growing family to Arkansas, then to upstate New York, then, briefly, to Europe.
He’s still in the Gulf Coast area, though, as things have seemed to calm down in the year since humans tried to drown the Gulf in petroleum.
Pete is not so sure. We heard from him a few days ago when a 375-pound mako shark jumped into a small fishing boat 50 miles into the Gulf off the coast of Texas. continued »
“You think that was an accident?” Pete squawked. “Sharks don’t make mistakes, my friend. That bad boy was jumping with intent.”
The fishermen were not hurt, but the flying shark scared the red snapper out of them. Asked about sharks jumping into small boats, federal fishing officials went out for drinks.
The Tattler had to ask; was the mako shark seeking revenge for the BP explosion?
“Let’s just say that among the wildlife community hereabouts there are those who think the humans got off the hook, so to speak,” Pete said.
“And I should mention that here in the Gulf, the movie “Jaws” is still quite popular with the local wildlife.”
Rating: 2.6/5 (129 votes cast)
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TV Guide to Gore
By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, Mar. 30th, 2011
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Glumcast magazine, which keeps a bleary eye on the television business, has reported that beginning in 2013, all prime time TV programs will be about forensic science, or dancing.
“That’s right,” said Glumcast Culver City correspondent Becky Verizon. “The networks are giving up all that other stuff, especially the news.
“It’ll be seven nights of mortuary slabs, messy DNA evidence and celebrities you never heard of dancing their careers off.”
Years of audience research have convinced TV programmers that what viewers want to see is blood and guts, computers running bullets through secret government databases and missing relatives who have been floating in abandoned hot tubs for a decade or so. continued »
“Ratings don’t lie, my friend,” said Verizon. “CSI this, CSI that, NCIS here, NCIS there, Bones – the medical examiner is the new American hero.”
Network suits seem to agree. “Law & Order is OK but it’s so 2007,” said one NBC executive. “Catch the bad guy, put him on trial. Ho hum.”
“Nowadays people want to see the corpse they found at the bottom of the well after 20 years, then watch the forensic anthropologists boil off the remaining flesh. Now that’s good TV.”
Analysts contend that dancing shows peopled with broken-down former football players, bulked up former super models and nitwit panels of judges will supply the only break from the body parts.
“We expect some complaints from the ‘Modern Family’ crowd,” said one cable exec. “But they can watch old episodes of ‘Cheers’ on TNT. We’re going with the gore.”
Rating: 2.6/5 (135 votes cast)
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4th Down and $9 Billion to Go
By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, Mar. 26th, 2011
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Faced with the prospect of a long winter without professional football, Treetops’ saloon owner Kennesaw “Shooter” Smegal has decided to leave the country.
Smegal, longtime proprietor of the “He’s Not Here” Lounge out near the old junior college, insists he cannot endure a Treetops’ winter without the National Football League.
He says the fact his bar has 47 plasma TVs beaming sports day and night has nothing to do with it.
“Every time we have an election a few Hollywood actors threaten to leave the country if so-and-so wins,” said Shooter, “but I’m no Alec Baldwin. I swear, if they don’t settle this labor thing, I’m outa here.” continued »
It’s possible the owners and players may figure how to divide up $9 billion in revenue by the season opener. If they don’t, well, Smegal is thinking Australia.
“You gotta understand,” he said, “I don’t care about health care or Libya or “Dancing with the Stars.
“I don’t care about the stock market or the hog market or Newt Gingrich. I like pro football. If we don’t have it, well, I hear they play football without helmets down there in Australia.”
Shooter’s wife, Mary Pat, likes living near her sister in Treetops and doesn’t want to hear about Melbourne or Perth or those cute koala bears. She tried to get her husband interested in NASCAR.
“It’s OK,” he said, slipping a Dallas Cowboys’ beer cozy around his favorite brew. “Kinda noisy. And it’s hard to bet on.”
Rating: 2.4/5 (122 votes cast)
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Happy Birthday To Who?
By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, Mar. 20th, 2011
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Well-known Treetops socialite and man about town Claude Cummerbund is resting comfortably in the Chickadee County Medical Center, diagnosed with stress-related ailments.
Cummerbund was admitted Thursday night after heaving his new iPad and a bowl of pistachio nuts into his Jacuzzi while hosting an NCAA basketball tournament soiree.
“It’s the Facebook pressure,” Cummerbund told the Tattler.
“See, I have 3,132 Facebook friends and they all have birthdays, for some reason. Almost every day I get that little notice on my page that this one or that is celebrating another birthday. What am I supposed to do?”
Facebook consultant and Apple store loiterer Milo Fabreze says that Cummerbund’s condition is not unusual. continued »
“If he’s like most people,” said Fabreze, “Claude has Facebook friends he hasn’t seen since high school, or maybe never seen at all.
“All of sudden he’s under pressure to send birthday greetings to the guy who lives next to his sister in Fresno or someone he met at the Christmas-in-July office party back in ’98.”
The lunch crowd at Roz’s Roost was sympathetic to Cummerbund’s problem.

“There’s the birthday thing and people who want to play some kind of online games,” said a customer named Sunflower. “Me, I’m just on there trying to find my ex-husband.”
Cummerbund thinks America needs a Facebook Commissioner, like baseball or the United Nations.
“There could be some rules, or guidelines,” he said. “Like, if I never, ever wished somebody a happy birthday before there was Facebook, should I have to do it now?”
Rating: 2.5/5 (135 votes cast)
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Move Along, No Charlie Sheen Here
By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk, Mar. 12th, 2011
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A Letter From the Editor:
Faithful readers of the Tattler know that as a rule the Editor only uses this format to announce a hike in the price of your fine local newspaper.
But these are desperate times and so the Editor has assumed this position:
We are declaring the Tattler a Sheen-free zone.
That’s right. You will see no stories about actor Charlie Sheen, in or out of rehab. Even - and especially - if he appears on “Oprah.”
As a precautionary measure, the Tattler will eschew stories, columns, features and editorials on Martin Sheen, the late Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, singer Sheena Easton, Sheena, Queen of the Jungle and Ultra Sheen shampoo. continued »
The Tattler does not come to this editorial decision easily. Over the years, we have chronicled the exploits of many celebrated idiots, some actually living outside Hollywood, Wall Street and Washington D.C.
Drunken movie stars, pickled rockers, wayfaring politicos, gun-toting footballers outside gentlemen’s clubs, foul-mouthed radio yakkers; moronic “celebrity” housewives; stoned hedge fund managers; nitwit White House gatecrashers; we’ve covered them all.
And we probably will again. But no more Charlie Sheen. No more of his ranting interviews, his ex-wives, his co-stars, his contract, his adult-movie girl friends, his sunglasses.
Frankly, if we wanted to hear grownups talk and talk and talk and make no sense, we’d tune into C-Span.
We trust our readers will understand. And enjoy our upcoming five-part series on whatever happened to your favorite child TV sitcom stars.
Rating: 2.8/5 (139 votes cast)
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