By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Oct. 25th, 2010

Early voting has come to Treetops, as dozens of our neighbors have already cast their ballots in the elections set for early next month.

Some voters are weighing in by U.S. mail but others have taken advantage of the vote-early polling place set up at the abandoned “Carl’s Jr.” out on Rte. 17.

“I voted for the Grizzly Mama but my husband voted for the Socialist,” said Ruby Grackle, who lives out near the water filtration plant.

“We were hoping to be able to get a Sourdough Breakfast Sandwich while we were out there but Carl’s really is closed. All I got was this stupid ‘I Voted’ sticker.”

Rules changed a few years so registered voters could save time by exercising their franchise in October. continued »

“We watched a whole lot of those TV ads, so we were ready to vote,” said Ruby’s husband, Kestrel.

“Some of the candidates want to take all our money and bankrupt our grandchildren. Don’t know why they would want to do that but that’s what they said on the commercial.”

Kestrel said he was worried about national security and protecting our borders but he wasn’t sure how someone running for County Sewer Commissioner could fix that.

But he said he was impressed that several of the candidates had attractive children who seemed to like them.

Poll watchers predict a light turnout come Election Day. “These off-year elections can be slow,” said one local pollster. “Plus that same night there’s the big Turkey Day hayride around the reservoir.”

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Rating: 2.5/5 (138 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Oct. 18th, 2010

Plaquemines Pete, the peevish brown pelican, has been laying low since the geniuses at BP finally shuttered the oil gusher that had fouled his patch in the Gulf.

Pete tells the Tattler he’s probably not going to run for governor of Louisiana, or maybe Mississippi, as he had hinted in the past.

“It only encourages them,” he said in an exclusive interview. “The Coast Guard was pretty busy but all the governors did was ask for more money from someplace called Washington.”

This week, Pete and his family unit are looking further south from his perch on a pier in Bayou Cane, LA. continued »

“This whole deal with the disaster in South America has gotten my attention,” he said. “The humans in the coffee shop were all excited about this place called Chile, where they saved a whole bunch of people in a mine, whatever that is.”

Pete was fuzzy on the details but he thought it all sounded like a smoother operation than the one he witnessed in the Gulf. And he said he had another reason for maybe checking out Chile.

“Word on the dock is they’re going to start drilling in my neighborhood again,” he said. “The oil humans and the government humans say they got it all worked out. No more gushers, no more explosions.”

Pete wonders if they’ve given the whole thing enough thought.

“Of course,” he said, “whatever happens, they won’t be the ones being scrubbed down with dish detergent.” And he flew away.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (142 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Oct. 12th, 2010

The crack of the bat and playoff baseball has returned to Treetops as our own local 9 finds itself in the Championship Series of the venerable Three-Nuthatch League.

It’s best of four-out-of-seven against the despised Prairie Chickens and the Treetops’ faithful are looking to end the team‘s 27-year playoff drought.

Our boys were forced to take two of three from the scrappy Live Oak Warblers, with starting pitcher Owen “Bird’s Egg” Waxbill, out of prison on work release, winning Game One.

The locals were kicked out of the nest in Game 2 by a 9-0 margin but rebounded with a 6-5 triumph in Game 3 and earned a shot at the title.

“The boys are looking good,’ said manager Coot Plover. “They’re mostly sober and roosting at night, like they should.” continued »

The Treetops 9 got off to a rocky start when flying up from Key West after spring training in March. About half the team was diverted by thermals and wound up playing in Stuttgart, Arkansas.

“We miss them boys,” said Plover, “but right now we got to beat the Chickens before the weather gets any colder and the whole migration thing kicks in.”

Local fans are counting on Waxbill and Red “Downy” Goshawk, acquired in the off-season from the Ipswich Sparrows, to handle the pitching chores.

“When we got Snipe Sapsucker from the Whistling Ducks, well, that took care of the power hitting,” said manager Plover. “But it won’t be easy. The Chickens are game.”

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Rating: 2.4/5 (138 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Oct. 6th, 2010

The commitment of the American people to a clean and healthy environment is beyond dispute. Millions of Americans recycle, drive cars that cannot climb hills, sport whale-friendly bumper stickers and tell pollsters that environmental stewardship is a top priority with them.

But, as was revealed last week, there are limits in the long struggle to save the planet.

An enormous potato chip company has “bagged” its line of biodegradable SunChips packaging because consumers feel the bags are too noisy.

“Saving the planet is hard work but you can only ask so much of consumers,” said consumer advocate Dr. Chauncey Shortcut. continued »

“One homeowner told us he couldn’t hear the TV when his wife was eating the chips. You have to feel for the guy. Once we saw the Facebook page about the noisy bags, well, we knew it was only a matter of time.”

It took only 18 months for brutalized consumers to get Frito-Lay to cave on the spiffy eco-bags and return to the old bags, which were as quiet as cholesterol.

“Some people said the folks doing the complaining should have put the chips in a bowl while they were snacking,” said Dr. Shortcut, “but clearly that is terribly inconvenient.”

Shortcut denied anonymous reports that people were scarfing the chips in bed and keeping their partners awake, thus fueling the consumer uprising.

“The company should have perhaps weighed the impact of noise pollution, along the fate of the polar icecap and the rain forest, he said.”

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By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Oct. 4th, 2010

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the unholy, tar-hued gates of Hell opened wide to give registered voters another reason to vote for Ralph Nader.
 
The infamous BP oil well—recently declared “dead” by administration officials—has come back... as a zombie.
 
“This is a complete disaster,” said Rep. Jacob B. Haverford, head of the congressional oil calamity oversight committee. “Four months ago, this was a crisis that looked like something out of a James Cameron movie. Now, the undead well closely resembles something out of a George Romero flick...”
 
The well is now in the phase of not only resuming its wanton gush of oil, but has also developed a habit of voraciously devouring the flesh and brain fluid of all passing swimmers and yacht captains.continued »

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the unholy, tar-hued gates of Hell opened wide to give registered voters another reason to vote for Ralph Nader.
 
The infamous BP oil well—recently declared “dead” by administration officials—has come back... as a zombie.
 
“This is a complete disaster,” said Rep. Jacob B. Haverford, head of the congressional oil calamity oversight committee. “Four months ago, this was a crisis that looked like something out of a James Cameron movie. Now, the undead well closely resembles something out of a George Romero flick...”
 
The well is now in the phase of not only resuming its wanton gush of oil, but has also developed a habit of voraciously devouring the flesh and brain fluid of all passing swimmers and yacht captains.
 
The Obama White House is scrambling to find a way to ameliorate the situation.
 
“We’ve come up with several workable scenarios,” stated White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “The most likely course of action will be to reunite the casts of the Evil Dead trilogy through federal tax subsidies, and then have them terminate the well with extreme prejudice.”

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