“He may look like one of Santa’s elves with the world’s largest collection of T-shirts but he’s apparently a lot smarter than the old coots on ‘60 Minutes.’”

At present, approximately 511 bijigeddy jillion people are on Facebook, telling one another they have arrived home at their apartments or describing the weather - “Snow flurries!!!” - to their Facebook amigos.

“It is clearly the most important communications advance since television,” said Macaroni. “Or maybe since Napster. I’m not sure which.”

Americans who do not use their telephones to take pictures of every birthday party, slumber party, sunset, play date, cocker spaniel, trip to Starbucks, palm tree, Bono concert, view from random hotel windows and visit from Uncle Ted will reportedly be caught with their bios down.

The revamped Facebook profile is said to be heavy on photos. “Can’t be any duller than the messages,” said Macaroni.

According to Krabtree, many of the most popular “kids” from the old days have retired.

“We’ve got a couple of them living in Boca Raton,” she said. “They saved their money, not that we got much from the manufacturers. One of the fellas opened a repair shop – sort of like plastic surgery for the ‘kids.’ The BunnyBees got tired of pollinating and split up.”

Toy historian Rudolph Kazutoff recalls that in 1984 there were reports of fistfights and scenes of violence among parents who could not find the twisted little creatures in time.

“Remember,” said Kazutoff, “this was before the days of the big-box stores and super malls. These days with a similar shortage? Well, they’d be mopping up the blood on Aisle Three.”

“Donner and Blitzen, they don’t exactly smell like Christmas wreaths, either,” he said. “They smell more like those chimneys Santa has to keep going down.”

Crockett and Tubbs insist they may stay home Christmas Eve because the heightened security makes their mission impossible.

“A lot of time the checkers will wave Santa right through,” said Tubbs. “Hey, he’s Santa. It’s different if you’re buffed up and under three feet tall, wearing green leggings and pointy shoes. They get suspicious.”

The elves insist they expect to retire soon, certainly before the end of the 21st century.

“It’s cold on the trip and there’s plenty of turbulence with those nasty reindeer pulling the sled,” said Crockett. “But there’s nothing on the planet worse than going through airport security in Atlanta.”

According to Duddington-Shandy: “We have lined up interviews with obscure, dandruffy Dukes from the English Midlands, grad students who once spent an hour in a pub with Ms. Middleton, Elton John and 15 or 20 gentlemen who wrote bios of Princess Diana.”

The historical import of the royal wedding will be chronicled in detail, despite the fact there isn’t much historical import.

“Royal weddings are about as important as NASCAR races,” said Dr. Grosvenor Square, Dean of Really Important Stuff at Porkpie University. “Remember Fergie?

“But the thing is, everything over there is really old, from the castles to the food to the Rolling Stones. Americans loves that.”

The Tattler’s bottomless coverage of William and Kate will begin right after three or four weeks of excruciating Super Bowl reportage.

Safety experts point out that deep frying the bird while intoxicated is a bad idea, as is keeping the propane tank too close to the cooker. But many Americans look upon these guidelines as intruding on their holiday fun.

“We recommend using heavy gloves and keeping a fire extinguisher handy. But a lot of folks just like to fire up that cooker and give her a try after having few beers,” said Gobbler.

The industry rep noted that folks in Washington keep telling people that if the cooking oil ignites the result can be called “a vertical flame thrower.”

“Well, that’s a little scarier than Halloween candy,” said Gobbler. “Enjoy the day.”