“The guy told me he still had a house full of old Halloween candy and that people like me were trying to drive him out of his mind,” said bar manager Bunting.

Sheriff Spoonbill said it was “The Little Drummer Boy” that did it. That and the 25-foot waving inflatable Santa tethered outside the bar.

“He said it was that song and the big Santa balloon and the blinking red and green lights behind the bar that pushed him over the edge,” said Spoonbill.

Tavern management is expected to press charges.

“He said some pretty nasty things about Santa,” said the bar manager. “Plus he said he really hated Elvis’ version of ‘Blue Christmas.’ I thought that was way out of line.”

FAX News analyst Monte St. Helens points out that when Condoleezza Rice was Secretary of State under President George W. Bush, there was no similar pattern of natural devastation.

“We just want Secretary Clinton to take responsibility for her actions,” he said. “There was that big quake in Chile last year right before Hillary arrived and she had to cancel, remember?”

A number of talk radio hosts are insisting that the new Congress look into natural disasters during Clinton’s stay in the White House.

“Frankly, it’s more than earthquakes,” said St. Helens. “We’re not saying that Bill Clinton’s wife is responsible for tidal waves, volcanoes, major snowstorms or even flash flooding. But the public has the right to know.”

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta, when not failing to produce enough flu vaccine, tracks the shipboard travails of America’s cruise ships and the results are, well, gut-wrenching.

Some cruise lines do better than others, the CDC reports, but the industry has now got a virus named after it. Industry officials insist that small spaces, weekly human turnover and gourmet food that is prepared hours and even days in advance of being consumed have nothing to do with it.

“Basically there are two things you can do on a cruise ship,” said Moldy Scupper trip director Gopher Gandy. “Drink or jump overboard.

“We offer skeet shooting, rock climbing and Scrabble tournaments but the truth is, that’s about it. The good news is that so far we haven’t had any problems with Somali pirates. Have a cocktail.”

“Bottom line is there used to be acres of pay phones in airports and the walls of big shopping malls were crawling with them,” said Bungles.

“Think about the convenience store. What did you have there in the old days? Greasy hot dogs, surly teenagers loitering in the parking lot and a beat-up pay phone by the door.

“Sure, the phone was broken most of the time but that was probably the teenagers’ fault.

The film crew has heard stories of a working pay phone in the north woods of Maine, near an old mining camp around Truckee, CA., and in the men’s room of a country-western bar outside Nacogdoches, Texas.

“We’re like tornado chasers,” Bungles said. “We’ve got the black SUVs, the whole deal. We’ll go anywhere to find a pay phone.”

“The truth is that even the cereal industry is getting worried about chubby kids,” said Courthouse. “I saw a youngster in my neighborhood the other day and he looked like a small crowd.”

Among the most popular cereal brands for kids these days are “Good & Plenty Trail Mix,” “Heart Healthy Cinnamon Cocoa Swirls” “and “Two-Percent Milk Duds.”

“At this point,” said Courthouse, “a breakfast cereal containing Raisinets is considered health food.”

Savvy parents with Facebook pages who shop at Whole Foods stave off the calories by loading up low-sugar cereals for their kids with strawberries and other fresh fruits.

But Chris T. Valley, a spokes-kid for millions of children who enjoy cereal that tastes just like Hershey Kisses, says it won’t work.

“Trying to sneak a strawberry or a blueberry past a kid is fine,” he said. “but if breakfast doesn’t taste like Halloween, we’re not going for it.”