There are other canine concerns. McKibble pointed to recent news reports that Russians were preparing to “deport” nearly 30,000 stray dogs in Moscow to a “camp” out side the city.

“Hey, they may be doing the pooches a favor shipping them out of Moscow in the winter,” he said, “but this sounds an awful lot like a Wall-E deal to me.”

The Russians changed their minds but the NFL sees a pattern of behavior that seems crazier than a Jack Russell terrier.

And it’s not just a dog’s life.

“There’s this guy in Canada who is bringing his pet buffalo into the house,” said Spuds. “He customized his convertible so Bailey the buffalo can ride in it. Or on it. Get a grip, people!”

Plover says his team is looking to rebound from last year’s disappointing fifth-place finish in the Three Avian League.

“We’re movin’ on,” he said. “Them Snowy Egrets is always tough and we’ve had our problems with the Ospreys and the Laughing Gulls, no question about it.”

The manager declined to discuss the messy forfeit and mass birdie fight that ended last season against the Indigo Buntings, except to say that all charges had been dropped and the Buntings were a sorry collection of scaly-footed losers.

“We’re hoping all the big birds and fledglings in the greater Treetops area will let bygones be bygones and come out to beautiful Albatross Stadium and see us,” Plover said.”

“They give it away, which would be totally cool if it was actually beer,” said Pilsner, “but, hey, one drink at a time. This way you get to have a tall, cool one before you get to the ski lodge.”

Asked about fake beer as an energy drink, trainers and nutritionists say one thing or another, the way they always do.

“Blah blah blah,” said a registered nutritionist from Innsbruck named Helga.

“It’s got lots of like vitamins,” said Pilsner, sipping on an actual beer. “And it’s great for like carbo-loading, whatever that is. Those Olympic dudes talk about it all the time.”

Pilsner is hopeful that chicken wings and Doritos will soon be added to the sports energy regimen.

“First thing is, the place is crawling with little dogs,” Hooker yelped. “I mean, teeny little dogs, dogs the size of bedroom slippers. Barky little dogs that weigh less than a box of medium Milk Bones.”

“And people don’t know about the partying,” Hooker said. “Some of these younger pooches, they get to Manhattan and get kind of crazy after the humans go to bed.”

Despite his blue-ribbon record, Hooker was never happy with the selection process.

“The judges are morons,” he yipped. “Most of them don’t know any more about dogs than Newt Gingrich.”

Still, he’s happy for Hickory, this year’s Westminster winner.

“I didn’t watch it but nothing but best wishes to the winner,” Hooker said, gnawing on a low-fat pig’s ear doggie treat. “I had my day. It ain’t easy being number one.”

‘We had no idea so many of out fellow citizens would be in the market for getting rid of those dragons, daggers, devils, flags, hearts, snakes, pirates, roses, barbed wire, Grim Reapers, astrological signs and ‘Moms,’” he said.

Spike credits much of his business to bachelor parties and honeymoons, the U.S. military, trips to Las Vegas, Key West and Mexico, late-night wagers in nightclubs and young love.

In the waiting room at Spike’s, Tommy Earl Toucan and his spouse, Miranda, were discussing their various adventures in the tattoo parlor.

“Me and the missus, we decided we needed to get some work done and then Spike’s came along,” said Tommy Earl.

“See, she’s got ‘Charlie’ tattooed on her left shoulder and a little heart on her wrist that says ‘Buddy’. I’ve got a really big one on my forearm that says “Maisie,’ along with a little picture of, well, Maisie. It gets complicated.”

Spike’s is open Monday through Saturday, by appointment only. Bring your own Advil.