By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 8th, 2011

A panel of dietary experts in Bethesda, Md. has released a 797-page report with a bunch of bar graphs that concludes Americans need more greasy chicken wings in their diet.

Chicken wings rule, as the kids say, despite the pleas of First Lady Michelle Obama, the recommendations of the Department of Health and Human Services and nightly TV shows that depict enormous fat people being yelled at by cranky, skinny personal trainers.

“We’re no experts but it’s increasingly clear than Americans love chicken wings the way Donald Trump loves a TV camera,” said Dr. Cluckminster Poultrygeist, an expert in domestic comfort food consumption. continued »

“Our study is not going to be too popular with the food police – or with chickens, for that matter - but research doesn’t lie. We say give them what they want. And they want chicken wings.”

“Dude, we ate like 1.25 billion of them on Super Bowl Sunday,” said wing nut Troy Lambeau of Door County, Wisc. wiping some barbecue sauce from his lip. “Pizza? I don’t think so. Hot dog eating contests? Please. It’s wing nation, my friend.”

“We like them fried, baked, floating in barbecue sauce, teriyaki sauce, soy sauce, sweet and sour sauce, mustard, blue cheese, you name it,” he said.

Lambeau, 27, prides himself on never eating anything green. He estimates that he consumes five platters of wings per week, sometimes for breakfast and generally in the company of his buddies, who favor Buffalo wings, light beer and turned-around baseball caps.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (132 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 3rd, 2011

A panel of experts in Mountain View, CA. has determined that among Baby Boomers and senior citizens, lying about attending all 44 National Football League Super Bowls has surpassed lying about being at Woodstock as a means of impressing others.

A widely aired television commercial that shows four cranky-looking men recounting their days and nights in New Orleans, Pasadena, Miami and other Super Bowl venues appears to have generated a baloney phenomenon among the older set.

“We have seen a pronounced uptick among individuals, almost exclusively male, who contend they were there to see the Jets and Joe Namath in 1969,” said Dr. Pudge Montana-Marino, executive director of the Institute for Cultural Untruths (ICU). continued »

“Thousands of American men born before 1946 are insisting they were at the first Super Bowl in 1967 and at every subsequent pigskin event with a Roman numeral.

“How can we tell if they are lying, other than dragging in their families and putting them under oath?”

ICU experts contend that fibbing about being at Woodstock in the summer of 1969 has been the gold standard for brandishing the cool-guy resume for more than a generation.

“That one is impossible to check,” said Montana-Marino. “Hundreds of thousands of mood-modified college students stumbling around in the middle of nowhere, or in this case upstate New York.”

He notes that among Baby Boomers small fibs designed to impress are common: “Sitting next to Bruce Springsteen on an airplane; we get that one all the time.”

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Rating: 2.4/5 (132 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Feb. 1st, 2011

Here in Treetops, local antique buffs, committed hoarders and hermits of all persuasions are thrilled to learn that their favorite TV show – “Mud Room Relics” - is headed our way.

The popular program, which airs Saturday nights on the Serious Broadcasting Network, welcomes in hordes of individuals who think their childhood Barbie doll or their grandfather’s Good Conduct Medal from Korea is worth enough to buy a new SUV.

“We are over the moon that ‘Relics’ is coming to our little town,” said Penny Peregrine, owner of the Down in the Basement Shoppe out on the Old County Road.

“Folks from all over the tri-state area will be cleaning out the garage and lining up to have their valuables appraised. I myself have a Monopoly board game from all the way back in 1965!” continued »

The “Relics” team of snooty professional appraisers is comprised of experts on a wide range of basement booty, including baseball cards, tiny paintings in huge ugly frames, Indian blankets from the side of the road in New Mexico, old cans of “Billy” beer and shiny pieces of jewelry that might be emeralds, or might not.

“We enjoy visiting the smaller communities,” said “Relics” producer Angus St. Ives Pemberton “though the hotel accommodations are quite primitive and finding a decent sushi restaurant in these environs, well, the show must go on.”

Those interested in having their treasures appraised should show up at the Round Robin Recreation Center on the 9th, preferably wearing Bermuda shorts.

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Rating: 2.3/5 (122 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 26th, 2011

A popular chain of coffee shops that sells pricey pastries and coffee that is ordered and charged for by the word announced that week that it is going jumbo.

The chain, which now has a retail outlet within 250 yards of every living American, is offering 31-ounce drinks to millions of lawyers, students and college professors who have no idea what they did to wake up before these stores opened.

But the buzz was muted by reports the big-gulp beverages were limited to iced tea, iced coffee and various other odd-sounding icy caffeine concoctions.

“I liked the sound of it until I heard they weren’t actually selling coffee in the big cups,” said Treetops native Coot Pequod. continued »

“I’ve been looking for an honest-to-God hangover cure my whole life and, well, I thought a 31-ounce cup of joe would get ‘er done.”

Asked about the new offering, Coot said he was likely to give it a miss and keep getting his coffee at the local Stop ‘n Drop, where he can get a lottery ticket:

“Thirty-one ounces of iced tea may appeal to some folks,” he said, “but I don’t have that much time to spend in the men’s room.”

For their part, millions of fans standing in line are ecstatic that, at 31 ounces, the new drink is literally the same size as the average human stomach.

“I haven’t been this excited since Whole Foods started selling organic boiled peanuts,” said a New York lawyer who identified himself only as “Chai.’

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Rating: 2.6/5 (136 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Jan. 19th, 2011

Taking a note from Hollywood and the big cities, the denizens of Treetops are putting together their own “bucket list.”

For those you who haven’t been paying attention, that’s a list of adventures and activities you want to try before you leave the nest for good.

Some opt for diving with sharks or learning a new language or riding the Orient Express. And that’s fine. Here in Treetops, though, we’ve got our own priorities when it comes to prepping for the Pearly Gates:

1) Match Oprah’s record. She told CNN that in 1998, while depressed, she ate 30 pounds of macaroni and cheese.

2) Get a video of the cat trying to squeeze through the mail slot or the dog playing with a mountain lion and download it to You Tube.

3) Purchase anything with the word “avatar” in it. continued »

4) Take the whole family to the Brenda’s Big Beef Bunker out on the Interstate and order the Double Whammo Weasel Burger platter with spicy curly fries, Oreo shakes and cinnamon sticks for everybody.

5) Gain a bunch of weight, get a suntan, move to New Jersey, change your name to “Pookie” and get a reality TV show.

6) Organize your Facebook “friends” in order of preference, from “really like” to “barely know” to “creepy.”

7) Climb a volcano – very carefully.

8) Tell everyone you’ve attended all 44 Super Bowls. Who’s going to find out?

9) Two words: whitewater swimming.

10) For our migratory friends and readers – consider Amtrak.

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Rating: 2.6/5 (136 votes cast)