While some carried placards, others carried effigies of nascent Saint Bernie Madoff, tacked to a cross, fashioned from the bodies of the whiners who objected to his theft of their life savings. Chants of “free Bernie, free Bernie” rose from the protesters, some openly wept when reminded of the fate of the great man. One young broker with an exquisite manicure and reeking of $500 oz. cologne observed, “If it can happen to Mr. Madoff, who is safe?” One nearby, urine soaked street person commented that he’d, “never seen so many great haircuts in one place!”

Among the university students, street people and drug dealers who watched, stunned, with mouths agape, was literary legend Tom Wolfe, author of the 1987 bestselling novel “Bonfire of the Vanities.” Wolfe, who used the term “masters of the universe” to describe the commodity traders and brokers who seem to be currently out of favor, was visibly shaken. “I thought it was bad back in ’87. Look at this. These suckers wouldn’t even make, “Dinks of the Solar System.” Slowly shaking his head and staring down at his natty wingtips he continued, “my next book is going to be called “Campfire of the Weasels.”

The urine soaked street person offered that, “the fifteenth century tradition of burning objects that might tempt one to sin seems to be lost on these fellas.” He then vomited on himself and passed out. Wolfe took notes.

While it’s important to offset a steady diet of Big Mac’s with a large order of fries with some sort of physical activity beyond chewing and blinking, the council feels that people are overdoing it to the point of obsession. The average American is now only 200 lbs. overweight.” Snoozer continued, “We have an obligation to the rest of the world after exporting “McDonald’s and KFC, we have to set things to right.”

In its campaign to get folks to settle down a little bit, the NCOFP has enlisted the aid of
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Recognized as often for being “eye candy” as for being chief executive of the Garden State and quasi-presidential candidate, Christie stated that he was, “proud to have been recruited for this noble cause.”

Filmed in the Governor’s mansion, on his favorite couch, the video takes the viewer through a series of NAPERCISE positions from the basic “prone” and “supine” to the more advanced “semi-reclined” and beyond. These activities are accompanied by a soothing soundtrack that includes such hits as: “Groping For the Remote,” “That Pizza Isn’t Going to Put Itself in the Microwave,” and the inspirational, “Oh God, the Phone’s Ringing and it’s Way Over There.”

The MeMeMeTube video will be available on line by weeks end.

When asked to comment on Christie’s new star turn, Treetops Tattler publisher, P. Martin Shoemaker quenched a cigar in his protein shake.

Mr. Daley — who was born in Corning, N.Y., in 1948 — started doing free-lance pieces while working as a bartender at the Class Reunion bar in Washington, D.C. He went on to write for the Peninsula Times Tribune in Palo Alto, Calif., where Schmich was also a writer in 1980. At the Chicago Tribune, he covered sports, media, the U.S Congress and Bill Clinton’s presidential campaigns, among other assignments.

“Steve Daley was maybe the wittiest, most incisive, most see-through-the-bull---- kind of person and journalist I’ve known,” said another friend, Chicago Sun-Times columnist Carol Marin.

From the mid-1990s on, Mr. Daley worked in public relations in Washington, D.C., specializing in helping companies deal with media enquiries, his wife said.

“He did have an affinity for the written word,” Jane Daley said. “He loved reading books, magazines — you name it. He was a great writer. He could turn a phrase that would hit you in the gut, make you laugh or make you cry.”

In addition to his wife, survivors include a sister, Maribeth Daley of Toronto; an aunt; one uncle, and several cousins.

A remembrance celebration is being planned, Mr. Daley’s wife said.

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Story by Stefano Esposito Staff Reporter/sesposito@suntimes.com
www.suntimes.com/news/metro/8021106-418/steve-daley-chicago-tribune-journalist-dies.html?print=true 2/2 Copyright © 2011 — Sun-Times Media, LLC

Following the World Health Organization’s findings last week indicating that cell phone radiation is “possibly carcinogenic,” the UN agency has uncovered even more evidence of nefarious effects of mobile phone usage.
The health agency’s subsequent report outlines a direct link between cell phone radiation waves and a spike in climate change, as well as the general surge in post-supper indigestion among middle-class American families.
“Through exhaustive study and consultation, we believe that the photons of the cellular-phonic pan-ions have a festibular effect on the earth’s atmosphere and ozone layer, and that the bio-chemical causes of heartburn can be traced straight back to frequent use of the new line of iPhones,” said WHO Director-General Margaret Chan Fung Fu-chun with her standard dogged confidence. “I’m sure there is probably just about as much evidence for this as there is for that brain tumor-y thing.”
These UN reports, however, have not stopped people from jumping up to defend the telephonic mode of convenience.
“It’s true cell phones have gotten a real bad rap lately,” wrote the president of the Cell Phone Apologist Association in a statement to the Tattler. “But, hey, what other device will allow you to text whilst operating a Hummer down the freeway?”
Regardless, this matter remains a hugely controversial one within the international scientific community. And, on a related note, the Department of State has recently found a link between E. coli outbreaks in Germany and Saddam Hussein.