“What, he’s going to live forever?” the blogger growled.

Others counsel caution as the President waits for the White House mailbox to fill up with stuff from AARP.

“Let’s be honest, the Prez looks good for his age,” said celebrity gerontologist Florian Grey, “except for when he plays golf in those little cargo shorts.”

Grey noted that actor George Clooney turned 50 this year: “So that’s one end of the spectrum. But you don’t want a President who looks like one of the Rolling Stones.”

Experts sought out by the Tattler predict that Obama can look forward to a future with more afternoon naps and more trouble remembering the name of the junior Senator from Idaho.

“Welcome to my world, Mr. President,” said Methuselah.

“We think the Owlery has definite condo possibilities, once we get the cleaning crew in there,” he told the Tattler, “and the Chamber of Secrets has some mold issues. But it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.”

“The Forbidden Forest is another issue,” St. Porkpie went on. “If we could guarantee some unicorn sightings that would help. But the fact is the place is full of drooling three-headed dogs and giant spiders and is a tad depressing.”

Another London realtor is thinking British Open.

“I see an 18-hole golf course with time shares, out where the old Quidditch pitch was,” he said. “Maybe call it Royal Dumbledore or Gryffindor Hills.”

Harry, Hermione and Ron could not be reached for comment.

Meanwhile, Chicago’s O’Hare Airport, where your luggage lives, got seven inches of rain in less than 24 hours. That’s the record, folks, which they started keeping in 1871, when the first Mayor Daley was elected.

And in the Atacama Desert (uh, huh) region in Chile, where the average yearly rainfall is 0.04 inches, the locals just got about six feet of snow.

The good news is that none of these hellacious events are in any way related.

That’s the official position of Noah Zark, meteorologist at the Climate Ignorance Is Bliss Institute in Pahrump, Nevada, on the edge of Death Valley.

“Facts and figures are interesting,” said Zark, “but not to us. Ultimately we feel it’s probably all Al Gore’s fault.”

“For the commission we figured we’d get a bunch of dandruffy old legislators who have been sitting in law firms on K Street for years,” said a Congressional official who asked that his name be kept out of the lineup. “It’s not like they’re doing anything.”

“Commissions are great,” said Washington DC blogger Erin Burr. “In the nation’s capital they are as common as the humidity. Deficit commissions, Social Security commissions, military base closing commissions. Nothing ever happens.”

Sen. Batson D. Belfry, who has represented Treetops for many, many years, thinks that the no-contact approach could be a problem for the ball game. But he supports the Commission.

“Of course I have been unable to actually play in the game in recent years, under doctor’s orders,” said the Senator.

“But the festivities due afford me the opportunity to meet with certain petroleum company folks and other grateful supporters, if you know what I’m saying.”

Over the years, it has been rumored that Roz was prepared to bar college students, college dropouts, lawyers, bikers, newspaper reporters, food critics, local politicians, girls in middle school named Kendra, drunken softball teams and members of her own immediate family.

“All are welcome here at Roz’s,” she told the Tattler. “Taken a look at the economy lately?”

Without a Casey Anthony style trial to cover this week, cable television jumped at the decision by a restaurateur in Monroeville, PA. to keep out the kiddies on a permanent basis.

The owner guaranteed himself a shot on “60 Minutes” when he suggested that “increasingly bad manners” on the part of the younger set played a role in his decision.

He pointed out that the restaurant had never offered a children’s menu and that it backs up against a golf driving range.

“Not sure how many six year olds would actually use the driving range,” Roz noted.