By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
Jul. 9th, 2011

From his perch on a grate near the Metro station not far from the White House, Jay Jay was considering his luncheon options.

A lifelong resident of the Federal City, Jay Jay has been dining at metallic food dispensaries by the curb since Jimmy Carter was a good idea.

“We used to call them roach coaches,” he told the Tattler. “Lord, that kinda talk will get you in trouble with the food critics nowadays.

“A chili dog or a half smoke and a grape soda, that was my idea of a good time. Maybe a bag of Cheese Doodles, if I was feeling flush.”

These days, Jay Jay has more menu options than an Iron Chef, if he has sufficient capital. continued »

“Lobster rolls are the big thing these days,” he snorts. “Lawyers who charge $600 an hour are standing outside next to a van, sweating into their suits, buying a lobster roll and pretending they’re in Bar Harbor, Maine, I guess.”

“Well, your friend Jay Jay is not exactly the target audience for this culinary revolution,” said Georgetown foodie blogger Jacques Daniels.

“My prediction is that the Grilled Cheese Truck, so popular in L.A., will be making its way soon to the nation’s capital.”

Food by the truck is here to stay, he insists. Indian food. Tacos. Trucks with Korean food. Trucks with French fries only. Vegan only. Wraps. BBQ. Fusion.

Jay Jay wonders if Fusion means a chili dog.

“I’m thinking maybe a cupcake,” he says. “Truck should be along shortly.”

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Rating: 2.3/5 (121 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
Jul. 1st, 2011

The runaway success of a picture book about rhesus monkeys befriending sea gulls and Bernese Mountain dogs hanging out with cockatoos has the Hollywood film community itching and scratching.

The book, “Unlikely Friendships,” depicts scenes of affection, bosom buddyism and can’t-we-all-just-get-along compatibility among animals that generally coexist about as well as Newt Gingrich and everybody else in the world.

The book raced to the top of the Amazon listings faster than a cheetah chasing after its lunch, unless of course the cheetah had become BFFs with an antelope.

Hey, it could happen. Looking at sales, the book publishing industry is circling the food bowl. continued »

“You could read the latest book on Oprah’s list or you could look at pictures of a greyhound watching TV with an owl,” said book blogger Marlin Parkins. “Your call.”

“Unlikely Friendships” and the avalanche of cute animal videos on the Google machine have Tinsel Town moguls booking lunches to talk about pooches.

There are rumors that the film school at UCLA has received a grant from Fancy Feast to establish a graduate program in making films solely about adorable kitties.

Steven Spielberg is reported in negotiations to produce an epic, three-hour portrayal of a Chihuahua that thinks it’s a sheep dog, or something.

“Woody Allen, Spike Lee, James Cameron, the guy who makes these ‘Transformer’ movies - it may be time for some of these established directors to start thinking about our four-legged friends,” said one Hollywood source.

Rin Tin Tin – call your agent.

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Rating: 2.6/5 (135 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
Jun. 27th, 2011

Kirstie Alley is missing.

Sources tell the Tattler that the longtime sitcom actress, minor movie presence and incessant flack for all known weight loss plans has lost so much weight over the last 20-odd years that she has officially disappeared.

“Just based on the TV commercials and the interviews with Oprah and everyone else, you have to figure Ms. Alley lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 490 pounds,” said diet plan blogger Ernie Avoirdupois.

In 2004, as memories of “Cheers” began to fade, a bulked up Ms. Alley became celebrity spokeswoman for a national weight loss chain, the one where they send the dietary chicken Kiev to your house.

Two years later, having lost a reported 75 pounds, she waltzed on to Oprah’s talk show set and showed off her new svelte form in a red bikini. continued »

From that point on, Ms. Alley became the go-to personality for trimming the fat, despite the emergence of Valerie Bertinelli as a potential rival.

In 2010 Ms. Alley converted to an organic weight loss plan and started her own company.

From there it as on to “Dancing With the Stars,” where she told the various “Access” channels and ex-models with microphones that she lost 60 pounds getting ready for the show and 30 more while dancing.

“I lost six dress sizes!” Ms. Alley told the red-carpet press.

Since then, nothing. But weight-loss guru Avoirdupois is optimistic:

“We expect to see Kirstie back, bigger than ever, real soon.”

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Rating: 2.3/5 (124 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
Jun. 22nd, 2011

Retired school bus driver and part-time cafeteria worker Selma Mallard has opened a new boutique in Treetops, out near the Gigundo Box Store off the Interstate.

A first-time business owner, Mallard told the Tattler that she got the idea for “Side Effects” by watching television.

“My hubby and I watch a lot of TV and we see just an awful lot of commercials for this drug and that drug and expensive things that are supposed to help you,” she said.

“A lot of them sound kind of scary.”

Selma noticed that in many of the TV commercials, the part where the actors told you what could go wrong was at least as long as the medical miracle being described and sold. continued »

“My goodness,” she exclaimed. “Earaches, internal bleeding, weight loss, agitation, dizziness, hair loss, fatigue, nausea, skin rashes, stinging pain - I hate that one - muscle twitching, dry mouth, depression, shortness of breath, inability to stand for more than 30 minutes.

“I have to say that one of the pills my hubby takes makes him a little gassy.”

At Side Effects, customers have a one-stop outlet for checking out the medical surprises that might land you in the ambulance.

“We just took the drugs and the side effects, put the whole thing in alphabetical order and we’re good to go,” Ms. Mallard said.

The proprietor says she’s recruited longtime school nurse Birdie Ratchet, now retired, to consult on medical matters and to answer questions. Birdie will wear her old uniform.

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Rating: 2.4/5 (126 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
Jun. 15th, 2011

The Tattler is disheartened to report that the 47th annual reunion of the Treetops Regional High School Class of 1964 has been canceled due to lack of interest.

The event was scheduled for mid-July, with a cash-bar reception at Roz’s diner, a nine-hole “scramble” at the Treetops Municipal Golf Links & Arcade and a buffet dinner with salad bar at Judy’s Smokin’ B-B-Q and Hookah Lounge on Route 17.

“Well, the whole thing just went Dixie in a hurry,” said class president Woody Merganser.

“We had pretty good turnouts the first 20 or 30 years and we thought the new Facebook page would help. But even most of the locals said they were taking a pass.”

Lifelong Treetops resident Indigo McBunting, a former cheerleader and class treasurer, said she is disappointed but not surprised. continued »

“Some of the folks moved away to the big city, places like Shreveport and they got a little big for their britches,” she said.

One class member who asked not to be identified said he had heard all the stories, seen all the pictures of the grandkids and learned about all the hip replacements.

“If you’re retired you have to tell everybody about it until their head explodes and if you’re not retired, you have to explain why,” he told the Tattler. “I couldn’t take it another year.”

Woody Merganser says a few of the alums plan on getting some drinks at Roz’s on reunion night.

“I’m getting a hip replacement in November,” he said. “Want to let everyone know about that.”

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Rating: 2.4/5 (123 votes cast)