By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
May. 17th, 2011

Millions of concerned Americans are awake at night these days, wondering about the fiscal fate of the overstuffed owners of the National Football League and their hired hands, the players.

The protracted lockout - billionaires on millionaires - has drawn attention and sympathy from hordes of unemployed citizens paying $4.15 a gallon for gasoline and shuddering in horror as they move through the grocery checkout line.

“Of course the average American is right to feel sympathy for the fine men who direct these beloved pro football teams,” said NFL owners’ spokesperson Bronco W. Hedgefund.

“After all, in many cases the taxpayers have built these glorious new football stadiums for the owners, so they naturally want to see the owners do well. Just logical.” continued »

Hedgefund notes that the owners only charge an average of $25 to park the family minivan at the stadium, and over 20 seasons, the cost of a cold draft beer has only moved from $3 to $7.50.

“That diet Coke may cost an average of $4.50, but it’s probably just as bad at the Multiplex when you go to see ‘Bridesmaids,’” he said.

People who kept track of such things tell us that last year the average cost for a family of four to see an NFL game was $413. More in Dallas. A lot more.

“You can see it’s no wonder the owners need more of the $9 billion they’re arguing about with the players,” said Rico Rich of the nonpartisan Center for Cushy Skyboxes, a Palm Springs think tank for millionaires.

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Rating: 2.6/5 (136 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
May. 13th, 2011

Presidential pundits, pollsters and election junkies are awaiting voter reaction to a hair-raising new Donald Trump interview in Rolling Stone magazine.

In the interview, the casino owner, prime time TV annoyance and potential leader of the free world discusses his hair, and how he washes it and combs it. Really.

The bombshell interview comes at a time when poll numbers for the real estate hustler and self-made-man-who-only-inherited-$300 million-or-so are falling faster than real estate values in Nevada.

“OK, what I do is wash it with Head and Shoulders,” Trump told the long-running magazine for people who remember Jackson Browne.

“I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. ” continued »

The riveting interview goes on to discuss what the mogul does as his hair dries and how he combs it, which he insists he does.

“Do I comb it forward?” he asks the reporter lucky enough to be assigned this interview. “No, I don’t comb it forward.”

“This interview could be a game-changer for 2012,” said Washington pundit and campaign blogger Zak Pantene.

“Sure, the war on terror, unemployment, Medicare. That stuff is important. But you have to go back to the electoral significance of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s various hair styles, or maybe her pant suits, for a comparison.”

Pantene insists that with Trump in the White House picture, America has a shot at conducting its stupidest Presidential election campaign in a lifetime.

“We’re well on the way,” he said.

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Rating: 2.7/5 (126 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Treetops Tattler Washington Bureau Chief,
May. 9th, 2011

You may not remember those singin’-and-dancin’ kids from the Glee Club in your high school, but they are out there. And they are mad enough to sing the entire score of “Mamma Mia,” followed by “South Pacific.”

Please make them stop.

The runaway success of TV’s “Glee,” in which a bevy of attractive and not so attractive high schoolers croon, belt, hoof and emote their way into our hearts has apparently irked millions of real-life Glee Clubbers.

“You know the actors in that TV show are like 27 years old,” said Ethel Mermaid, a grizzled veteran of musicals from her days at Yankee Doodle Dandy High School.

“I was Daisy Mae in ‘L’il Abner’ and Betty Rizzo in ‘Grease,’” Mermaid told the Tattler. continued »

“My old boyfriend, Mandy, had the lead in ‘Fiddler on the Roof.’ We made our own costumes. We didn’t have a lot of time for worrying about social justice or the club advisor’s morale.”

Mermaid says she and her friends are incensed the “Glee” cast is now touring the country with a stage show.

“Back in the day, we had to have cheesy car washes and beg our parents for donations,” she said. “And not all the kids in the club were exactly, well, talented, you know. It was grim.”

Mermaid says she hears there’s planning in the works for a new prime time show called “AV.” It will chronicle the hopes and dreams of kids in a high school audiovisual club in western Pennsylvania in 1966.

“Sounds awful,” said Mermaid.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (129 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Treetops Tattler Washington Bureau Chief,
May. 2nd, 2011

LONDON - The royal wedding of this century was a smash hit but all of fashionable London is experiencing a hangover as Prince William and Princess Catherine, now officially the Duke and Duchess of …. Somewhere, return to their mysterious duties.

It’s a hat hangover. Sources in London say it’s a beaut.

The “Tattler” has learned that many of the fancy lids on display at the wedding were ordered through the Absolutely Fabulous Chapeau Shoppe in London’s Cheapside district.

“Clearly some of these women had been into the Bloody Mary’s before they headed to the Abbey,” said London fashion blogger Ian St.Darcy Porkpie. continued »

A woman known as Princess Beatrice seemed to be the target of much of the abuse as she arrived wearing what appeared to be an embroidered chunk of traditional English sheep fencing on her head.

“Princess Beatrice is of course the great grand-daughter of Lord and Lady, um, I’ll have to look that up,” said blogger Porkpie.

A British celebrity person known only as Posh, rumored to be part of a singing group back in the Margaret Thatcher era, was singled out for sporting a purplish hat that seemed to be attached to an antenna tracking the Hubble Telescope.

“All right,” said St. Darcy Porkpie. “Mistakes were made. Beatrice’s sister - I forget her name – looked like she had a live cockatiel on her head.

“In their defense, you would have to say this: None of them as silly from the neck up as Donald Trump.”

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Rating: 2.7/5 (132 votes cast)

By Perfesser Cosmo Fishhawk,
Apr. 27th, 2011

At the worst possible moment, the U.S. government has shut down its deep space telescopic search for aliens.

That’s right. According to “Tattler” sources, it’s those pesky budget cuts.

The cosmic seeing eyes known as the Alien Telescope Array (ATA) have been arranged north of San Francisco (where else?) for decades as a project for the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI) Institute.

Pretty “Star Wars,” huh? The 42 telescopes have been staring into space for years and if they haven’t spotted anything alien yet, well, they still might.

“First of all, the alien research facility is in a place called Hat Creek, California and how cool is that?” asks alien tracker and part-time spelunker/blogger Kent Clarke. continued »

“And let’s face it. There should be more questions about aliens in our midst than ever. Have you watched the news lately?”

Clarke points out that the shutdown of the ATA comes at a time when TV haircut Donald Trump is running for President, and leading in some polls. When the President of the United States has to release his “long form” birth certificate. When Americans are paying $4 a gallon for gasoline and focusing all their energy on a rich kid’s wedding in England. When every morning 500 million people use an Internet site called Facebook to announce where they are getting their coffee.

“I’m not saying who might be an alien and who is not,” he said.

“I’m merely suggesting if we don’t already have aliens among us, how could things be any weirder? Have you seen Lady Gaga?”

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Rating: 2.6/5 (130 votes cast)