By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
Jun. 10th, 2011

A grown man is poised 25 feet or so above a plastic wading pool filled with about a foot of water. He is in a television studio and is surrounded by an aging comedian, the wife of a gone-to-seed rock star and a British newsreader named Piers, or something.

They are all part of a wildly popular TV show called “America’s Got Talent.” And when Professor does his face plant in the kiddie pool, millions of viewers who are skipping the chance to watch the NBA playoffs, could not be more pleased or entertained.

It makes you wonder.

The diver, known cleverly as Professor Splash, is said to be pursuing a world record in, well, jumping into shallow kiddie pools without expiring. continued »

“The great thing about it is that almost no one on the show has any actual talent,” said reality TV blogger and celebrity analyst Louie Gagah.

Fans of the same prime time show are enchanted by the recent antics of 6-year-old Lil’ T, aka Tanner, who cavorts onstage in a routine dubbed “the worm” by enthused TV critics.

The crowd goes wild.

“There is a rumor that Lil’ T is in fact a 32-year-old small person and professional tap dance from the Jersey Shore,” said Ted Macke, President of the Institute of Declining Talent in South Lake Tahoe.

“He does more than jump into a kiddie pool, of course, but it’s not exactly Frank Sinatra or Aretha Franklin. Not sure why, but something has gone terribly wrong.”

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Rating: 2.4/5 (114 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
Jun. 6th, 2011

Down at Roz’s Roost, lunchtime reaction to the government’s latest attempt to tell us how to eat was as mixed as the vegetables.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture’s spiffy new food guide is out and the old “food pyramid,” which looked like a postage stamp from Mars, has gone the way of the McDLT.

At Roz’s, Ed Earl, who works on the loading dock down at the GiGundo Family Store, figures a government that is trillions of dollars in debt must know something about healthy eating.

The new design is a dinner plate, cleverly called “My Plate.Gov.” Four sections drawn from the glory days of Swanson’s TV dinners, call out “Fruits,” “Grains,” “Protein” and “Vegetables.” A small circle dubbed “Dairy”
cozies up to the plate. continued »

“Seems like that would have been a good place to put the coffee,” said Ed Earl. “I don’t drink a whole lot of milk myself, but Ed Earl Jr., gets his portion every morning when he pours it on that bowl of Toasty Sugar Bombs.”

Ed Earl did have a few pressing questions about MyPlate.

“I’m not real sure where the chips go on this plate,” he said, “and I definitely don’t see a spot for barbecue. That’s a federal issue. No question.”

However, Treetops school nutritionist Wilma “Peaches” Cobbler seemed pleased enough to eat a bowl of steamed broccoli.

“Well, it looks just like the wet cafeteria trays we put the food on,” Cobbler said. “You know, a nice tuna melt with a side of mac and cheese.”

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Rating: 2.7/5 (111 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
May. 31st, 2011

BRUSSELS - The International Task Force on Social Media, Social Networking and Kitty Videos has emerged from Plenary Session with a series of planetary recommendations for the 731 bajillion current users of Facebook.

“Because we are cool, we in the global digital community simply felt we had to get a handle on Facebook usage,” said Task Force spokesfriend Craig Liszt.

“We are putting forth some simple rules to make the social networking experience less idiotic.”

Do you “Like?”

1) The changing of profile pictures will be limited to 12 switches in a calendar year. Exemptions will be made for pics of your Mom. continued »

2) Facebook “friends” will be sorted in order of preference, from “really like” to “not since the reunion in ‘89” to “huh?” to “creepy.”

3) Posting of hideous puns and moronic limericks will heretofore be bundled into a Worldwide Hideous Pun/Moronic Limerick Page.

4) If you just got to work or just got home from work and you are not family or a member of the military in harm’s way: Don’t care.

5) Consider this, people: If you get a posting from Michelle Obama or George Clooney or Prince William that says the attached video will be embarrassing to you, personally, it is probably a fake and you will be hacked, spammed, etc. Just sayin.’

6) Birthday wishes are swell. But you will only be allowed to send FB greetings if you can demonstrate that you had previously wished that person a happy birthday before you both climbed aboard FB.

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Rating: 2.5/5 (118 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
May. 25th, 2011

The Ronald McDonald Defense Fund appears to be gaining support as the nation’s food sheriffs call for his ouster as the garish, annoying mascot of the humungous, planetary fast food chain.

Yes, the big red-and-yellow galoot with the goofy shoes is being handed the check for childhood obesity. More than 500 health officials, transfat trackers and people who eat tofu turkey at Thanksgiving have called on McDonald’s to ship Ronald to the fat farm – permanently.

Mr. McDonald did not return calls from the Tattler, but supporters of the mascot, who has been on the job for about 50 years, are serving up a genuine dollar-menu defense.

Guy Hashbrowns, a self-employed food blogger and daily diner at a McDonald’s near his home in Mishawaka, Ind., is at the front of the line, defending Ron. continued »

“Like most sensible people I think clowns are creepy,” Hashbrowns said. “But you’d have to be about two biscuits shy of a Big Breakfast to believe that a clown is the reason we’ve got all these fat kids.”

Hashbrowns points to Ronald McDonald’s charitable work, to his outsized grin and to the fact that the mascot hasn’t seemed to gain a pound since about 1965.

To hear the blogger tell it, a trip to McDonald’s is better for you than a big bowl of steamed broccoli and a liter of fancy water:

“Dude, they’ve got like a fruit and walnut salad on the menu. What could be more boring and healthy than that?”

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Rating: 2.7/5 (129 votes cast)

By Steve Daley, Washington Bureau Chief,
May. 22nd, 2011

Judy, the day manager out at the Sip ’n Go, fired her financial planner and went to Roz’s for a fried chicken lunch with onion rings. Her friend Brenda decided not to bother cleaning out the cat box. She took the Visa card and headed for the Tri-County Mall.

Brenda’s husband, Sheldon, unhooked the TIVO, put his exercise bike out by the curb, bought an economy size bag of Cheetos and sat down to watch the last season of “24.”

That’s how some folks in Treetops made ready for the Rapture, which was scheduled for 6 p.m. EST on Saturday, May 21st.

“Kind of a Judgment Day thing,” said local Armageddon blogger Charleton Brimstone. “Quite a lot of folks were planning on being swept up into heaven this weekend, mostly because an 89-year-old fella out in Oakland said so on his radio show.” continued »

Ed Earl, one of the regulars at the Sip ‘n Go, was planning on hunkering down in the saloon for the weekend, come what may with the cosmos.

“They said on cable that only the good people would be taken up into heaven,” he told the Tattler. “Well, that seemed like a long shot for yours truly. So I figured I’d just as soon take my chances with the folks who were left.”

By Saturday night, the Rapture had joined Y2K and various meteors in the annals of Big Bang Flameouts.

Back from the Mall, Brenda said, “I guess I’ll have to start flossing again.”

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Rating: 2.5/5 (121 votes cast)