“He’s, uh, two years old, so maybe there’s a difference between him quitting the habit in a rehab program and just taking the cigarettes away from him,” said Billy Jo Camel of the Child Smokers Institute (CSI). “Anybody thought about that one?”

Word from Jakarta is that the tubby, cheerful youngster, who has worked his weight north of 60 pounds in his brief 30 months on the planet, was fond of blowing smoke rings and prone to raving meltdowns when denied his tobacco.

Observers and people who want to see more YouTube videos are concerned that Aldi will turn to hiding smokes in the diaper bag and borrowing cigarettes from seven-year-olds.

The youngster is reportedly considering a tour of the United States in anticipation of his forthcoming biography, “If I Got’ Em, I Smoke “Em.”

The tour would include a visit with Oprah, an appearance at a NASCAR event, a spot on a Donald Trump special and interviews on the PBS “NewsHour” and NPR.

Also on the roster is Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who is either a member of the cast of cable’s “Jersey Shore,” a former NFL wide receiver or winner of the recent hot dog eating contest at Coney Island.

The Hollywood Revealer is reporting that Rice is not the only fading public figure to be recruited.

Unconfirmed reports persist that the variety show reached out to former United Nations Secretary General Boutros Boutros-Ghali, former Polish leader Lech Walesa, former U.S. poet laureate Kay Ryan and University of Miami president Donna Shalala, among others.

“The folks in charge like to mix in some serious folks, just in case some people in the audience don’t watch every dopey cable show that lasts a month.” said celebrity blogger Fred “Ginger “ Rogers.

“I mean, former congressman Tom Delay was popular on the show and later the charges were dropped. Just sayin’.”

“Let’s just say we’re not going to put up with a lot of chicken poop on this one,” Barnyard said.

“ Life’s not easy in those chicken coops, what with the crowds and the noise and the artificial lighting. Taking the rap for salmonella is not on our dance card.”

Meanwhile, problems between the chicken and the egg have taken the philosophical community by surprise.

“Metaphysically, we’ve always had them closer than vodka and tonic,” said Dr. Karl Kabong, Professor of Circular Reasoning at Happy Valley University.

“We’ve been using the chicken-and-egg thing since forever to talk about, you know, what does it all mean? Now this. Plus, I just had breakfast and I’m not feeling too good.”

Then there’s Pooki’s best friend, Charlotte Tanager. Her ex-husband owns the Spiffy Lube outlet near the exit ramp on the cutoff to the Interstate.

“We got just as much glamour here as you get in Orange County, I’ll tell you that,” Tanager chirped. “The locals are still talking about the Christmas in July party Pooki and I put on. Sure, Pooki lost her real estate license but all agreed the tequila theme was brilliant.”

And don’t forget former prom queen and onetime flight risk Nadia Nuthatch who recently wed our own Rusty Warbler and moved into the old Sapsucker mansion near the abandoned Sleepy’s discount mattress outlet.

“We don’t expect any more charges to be filed and we’re looking forward to starting production,” said Nadia, who always refers to herself in the third person.

In their dig, archaeologists found evidence of domesticated dogs, deer and elk skulls and assorted debris.

”They believe they’ve also found what appears to the earliest known version of the Barcalounger,” said Whiskbroom.

“Apparently the men would sit in this contraption and drink some form of fermented beverage while watching their neighbors brain one another with big sticks.”

Whiskbroom said the diggers also found evidence of a path where women in the area took children, often several times a day, to a meadow to play a kicking game that involved a skull from another tribe.

“The thinking is they called themselves ‘Cave Moms,’” he said. “Apparently the children just ran off in all directions whenever someone gave the skull a kick. Then they all sat down for some water and some elk jerky, maybe.”