The pelican underground is telling Pete that the First Family is actually headed to Martha’s Vineyard, wherever that is, for the real summer vacation.

Pete isn’t so happy with other visitors.

“On the pier I hear the humans say they’re having trouble finding any oil sloshing around from the gusher,” he said. “I been up there, pal. Anyone who couldn’t find oil in the Gulf couldn’t find a fish, either.”

Pete, who is still considering a run for governor of Louisiana, or maybe Mississippi, isn’t too excited about reports that the men in the golf shirts with the boats are finishing a “relief well.”

“Didn’t they drill the last one?” he asked, and flew away.

“It’s a total time waster,” said Ms. Noheart. “We believe charging people for that would actually benefit the consumer.”

In the future, passengers may be charged for a second trip to the bathroom on domestic flights.

“Pretty simple, really,” said Noheart. “One bio break if it’s less than two hours in the air. A maximum of three on, say, a New York to LA flight. We’re still working out the fee structure.”

The airlines, Noheart says, are demonstrating innovation in the global marketplace:

“Some airlines are already charging for getting a seat assignment and – this is my favorite – a couple of them are charging a fee if you use airline miles, don’t take the flight and want to put the miles back in your frequent-flyer account.

“Hey, even the credit card companies can’t top that.”

“One of these gentlemen could easily come under attack while walking to the limo from their multi-million dollar townhouse apartments in Manhattan. Of course the weekend getaway places in Connecticut, the Hamptons or the sprawling ranches in the Southwest – it’s practically the Alamo. You have to be sympathetic.”

Trend watchers say concealed weapons permits have joined Rolex watches and leased private jets as status symbols of the post-Wall Street meltdown.

And it’s not just for the rich and famous. In Virginia, so-called “open carry” is all the rage. Bronco-busting car salesman and building contractors apparently in fear for their lives now amble around suburban restaurants packing heat.

In Arizona, where every dog over three months of age must have a license, no permit is required for concealed weapons.

“Of course not,” Bonney said. “Dogs are dangerous.”

“Over four decades after the noisy death of racial segregation, the people of this country still hold true to the archaic, chauvinistic social model of ‘separate but equal.’ I’m talking about the overtly sexist notion of these ‘separate but equal’ bathrooms and gender-specific clothing lines.”

The group’s focus is to make most things in the United States “gender neutral,” including restrooms, changing rooms, and even individual college dorm rooms. W.A.N.K. strongly opposes the distinction between male and female coeds, stating that, “it is our organization’s position that the gender-based gerrymandering of dorm halls is both undesirable and misogynistic. As far as we know, the men’s dorms could have better cooling systems!”

When asked what a perfect, post-sexist America would look like, Morganstein told The Treetops Tattler the following:

“I have a dream that in a new, vibrant America, all boys and girls will proudly wear the same ecru cargo slacks, all businessmen and businesswomen will freely wear the same tar-black ties, and that, God willing, men and women and boys and girls, no matter their creed, color, or hair style, will all be eroding urinal cakes side-by-side, once and for all!”

Last week millions of Americans took a break from staring at Ted Danson, the only Hollywood celebrity at Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, to consider the possibility that wrinkly rocker Steven Tyler might take Ellen’s spot.

“Steven is perfect, if you think a 62-year-old rocker is the way to go,” said Gleeclub. “He looks like Larry King these days.”

Gleeclub said fans were excited about the Jennifer Lopez rumors: “We’re not sure there’s enough bad singing on the show to save her career, though.

“We were hoping they’d ask John Roberts, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. If not him, then maybe Judge Judy, from cable. And what about Ted Danson? What’s he doing these days?”

Gleeclub thinks the other side of the criminal justice system could provide “Idol” with its next arbiter of warbling talent.

“Think about that Rod Blagojevich guy,” he said. “OK, he’s got no talent. That makes it perfect.”