“These adventures cost money, people,” said Ahab W. Mizzenmast, staff director of the Caucus (CYBC). “And some people think the families of these world-travelers should pay for their own rescues. Outrageous.”

Mizzenmast acknowledges that many people wonder who foots the bill to rescue that becalmed teenage sailor or rich guy in the balloon who disappeared on his ninth attempt to circumnavigate the globe.

“You do, my friend,” he said. “The Coast Guard, the Navy and all the ships at sea, plus nice people who go looking for those aging software billionaires who disappear in the Andes or the Baja in their hot-air balloons.”

The CYBC would earmark funds so that the cost of these rescues would be spread around to taxpayers without causing any stress to those wealthy folks with a sense of derring-do and too much time on their hands.

“Well, I’m not going to give anything away, but let’s just say I have some inside sources that might give me one of the best seasons of my career,” noted Bob Owens, who has already mapped out his entire fantasy draft.

Training camp controversies might be heating up, but fantasy players are much more concerned about their internet connection speeds and scribble-filled stat sheets.

“I already told my wife that I won’t be able to do anything on draft day,” said Owens. “It’s way too big of a moment in my career to be interrupted by a grocery store run or a trip to the kids’ soccer practice.”

“Last year was one of the most successful seasons of my career, but the day after I took home the title I started getting ready for this season,” said Wells. “That’s the kind of commitment so crucial to success at this level.”

“Not any more,” he said. “Mother Nature has nothing on what you humans can do to us if there’s a dollar in it. The hurricane season looks like a day at the beach, if you know what I’m saying.” 

Sounding mad enough to eat a bushel of crustaceans, Pete says he wants to get far away from the Gulf for a while.

In the past, Pete liked to head the family in the direction of Key West for a getaway. “Great place to fly over and look down at all the crazy people on Duval Street,” he said.

“I heard the Finger Lakes in western New York are real nice and that’s about a thousand miles or so away. But there’s a fish issue, I think, and not too many pelicans. And as far as I know I don’t have any family up that way.“

Python says he is puzzled by absence of names from the family of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. The official list comes from the Social Security Administration in Washington and Python says he expects a Fox News investigation may be in the works.

“Where are your Tripps. your Levis, your Bristols?” asks Python. “Of course, it doesn’t look like ‘Barack’ is exactly surging up the list, either.”

Python, who has a sister named Madison and a brother named Holden, reports that the most popular baby names in Oklahoma this year are Ethan and Isabella.

“What the heck is going on in Oklahoma?’ he wonders. “I thought everybody out there was named Curly, Laurey and Jud, like in the musical.”

“Then they had to have a press conference so that the genius who runs the company could blame the customers. Mr. Wizard says the people who are complaining are holding the thing the wrong way. Thanks, phone boy.”

McCupertino says he has had a rough year with products and product recalls.

“I’ve been driving a Toyota for years,” he said. “My kid really likes SpaghettiOs. We’re afraid to give pet food to the dog. My wife had a fancy new baby stroller that cost almost as much as a lawn mower, and that got recalled.

“Frankly, the idea of iPhone 5 scares me a little.”